Family Funnies

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The Late Braking News.........

Quips & Quotes

The bubbling brook would lose its song if you removed the rocks.

"Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them."
- HL Mencken
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to believe."
- Laurence J. Peter
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
- A. Whitney Brown
"The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced."
- Frank Zappa
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."
- Mark Twain
"Art is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist does the better."
- Andre Gide
"Humanity is acquiring all the right technology for all the wrong reasons."
- R. Buckminster Fuller
"Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?"
- Kelvin Throop III
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HEADLINERS... See the Late Braking News Page For Complete Stories....

~~ Keith Richards Says He's Ready to Tour
~~ Possibly intoxicated pelican runs into windshield
~~ Accident - Prone Pelican Fumbles Take - Off
~~ Cat Burglar Suspect in Garden - Glove Thefts
~~ Hot Dog Eater Wins 6th Straight Contest By
~~ Autopsy: Steve Howe Had Meth in His System at Time of Fatal Crash
~~ McCartney Sang About 64 in '67, and Now It's Here
~~ Mike Hammer Creator Mickey Spillane Dies By
~~ Red, white and blue hot dog eater seeks mustard yellow belt
~~ Death No Obstacle for Chart - Topper Johnny Cash
~~ Maine Lobsterman Pulls Up Rare Lobster
~~ Berlin Love Parade Back After Three - Year Absence
~~ It's an Auction, Jim, but Not as We Know It
~~ Video iPods Helping Rockies Get into the "Swing" of Things
~~ Willie Nelson Buys Hometown Church
~~ Researchers Say New Chip Breaks Speed Record
~~ 33 Innings, 882 Pitches and One Crazy Game
~~ Minor League Manager Throws Major Tantrum
~~ A Gift Between Friends
~~ Queen Elizabeth Spent More Taxpayer Money on Travel, Security
~~ Archaeologists Unveil Newest Pharaonic Tomb in Egypt's Valley of the Kings
~~ Paradise Bought in Los Angeles
~~ 10 Days That Changed History
~~ Newfound Island Graveyard May Yield Clues to Dodo Life of Long Ago
~~ Reappraising a Landmark Bridge, and the Visionary Behind It
~~ The Grinch Who Stole Golf
~~ It's My Funeral and I'll Serve Ice Cream if I Want To
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Newspulper Headlines:

What Would We Do Without British Polls?: "French Are Rudest, Most Boring People on Earth: British Poll" —Agence France-Presse

Almost as Fun as Watching Paint Dry: "New Englanders Watch Water Recede" —CNN.com

World Ends, Poor Hardest Hit: "Many Poorer New Yorkers Suffered Post-9/11 PTSD" —HealthDayNews

World Ends, Etc., Etc.: "Strikes by Indian Doctors Enter Day 6; Poor Suffer Worst" —Associated Press

We Blame Global Warming: "Ex-Beatle McCartney Blames Media for Marriage Split" —Reuters

Raging Pacifists: "Brawl at Anti-Violence Rally Preceded Shootings" —New Haven (CT) Register

This Just In: "Mexican Migrants Heading North" —Associated Press (Thanks to The Wall Street Journal's James Taranto)

It's Bush's Fault Anyway!: "Climate, Not Humans, Said to Have Killed Off Mammoths" —Reuters

The Religious Right Strikes Again: "Devils on the Verge of Elimination" —CBC Sports Online

All That Pork Is Hard to Digest: "Stevens Complaint Hits CNN's Johns" —Roll Call

That's the Business News, Now for the Weather: "Fed Raises Rates Again, but Clouds Next Move" —The New York Times

Why So Sad, Big Guy?: "Giant Human Smuggling Ring Broken Up" —East Valley Tribune (Mesa, AZ)

Bottom Story of the Day: "Ashlee Simpson Won't Confirm, Deny Getting New Nose" —Associated Press (Thanks to The Wall Street Journal's James Taranto)
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David Letterman: "Top Signs The Government Is Spying On You":

* Post office wall has several photos of you sleeping;
* Your houseplant occasionally sneezes;
* Domino's keeps delivering to unmarked van parked across the street;
* Birthday card from your mom has several words blacked out;
* You get nominated for "Outstanding Lead Performance in an NSA Surveillance Video";
* Your dishwasher functions are "Wash," "Rinse" and "Record";
* Local news only reporting things that happen in your living room;
* Every time you say goodbye on the phone, you hear a strange voice say, "Roger that, Chico."

Jay Leno:

* The Pentagon announced that Iraq's border is now 90% under control, which is pretty impressive when you realize that San Diego's border is only 20% under control. ...
* President Bush went to the border in Arizona. White House Spokesman Tony Snow said it was not a photo opportunity. Apparently Bush was just looking for some guys to do some landscaping around the White House. ...
* The Senate voted 63-34 to make English the official language of the United States. They say it's a largely symbolic amendment with no real effect. You know like the congressional ethics bill. ...
* When asked if they approve of the resolution, 75% of the people in Los Angeles said, "Si." ...
* A realtor in Ogden, Utah inspecting a townhouse found 70,000 empty beer cans left behind by the former tenant. I didn't know the Kennedy's had a place in Utah. ...
* Here's a shocking statistic—One in 136 Americans are currently behind bars. A more shocking statistic, one in three Kennedys are currently in a bar. ...
* Pat Robertson said this week that God told him that possibly a tsunami could hit the Pacific Northwest this year. I don't want to be disrespectful, but possibly? Like God's thinking "60/40." Pat, that wasn't God. You fell asleep in front of the Weather Channel.

David Letterman: "Top Surprises in ABC's Bird Flu Movie":

* Thanks to sponsorship deal, flu is cured by delicious taste of Dr. Pepper;
* Humans attacked by pigeons with tire irons;
* 20% of population comes down with less dangerous "bird hiccups";
* Every time someone says, "chicken," all the characters chug a beer;
* Every single person in the world ends up at General Hospital;
* The big villain? Larry Bird;
* Hilarious scene where the guy playing President Bush actually solves the problem;
* Sole survivors Michael Jackson and Rosie O'Donnell are forced to repopulate the earth.

Jay Leno:

* I signed up for a great new calling plan today—that "NSA Friends and Family" plan. For $100 a month, they listen to all my friends and family. ...
* President Bush says this secret plan is strictly targeting terrorists. Forgot terrorists, how about targeting telemarketers? Then we would go along with it. ...
* President Bush is proposing sending 6,000 National Guard troops to bolster patrols along the U.S.-Mexican border. Or as his calling it, "No Juan Left Behind." ...
* In his speech, he outlined a plan to start patrolling the U.S.-Mexican border using members of the National Guard. He said this will give us the most secure border in the world one weekend a month and two full weeks in the summer. ...
* This will replace our old method of border control: the honor system. ...
* With these gas prices, I got smart. I'm driving the new Patrick Kennedy hybrid car. It runs on sleeping pills and when you get on the highway it runs on alcohol. ...
* The president of Iran has written a letter to President Bush. Among other things, the Iranian president attacked Bush's policies, said democracy was a failure, and claimed America is hated all over the world. He ended the letter by calling America the "Great Satan," but other than that it was a nice letter. At least they're talking and I think that's important. ...
* Turns out, [though,] it's a chain letter. Now Bush now has to send to ten other world leaders. Or there's some kind of curse.

Short Cuts:
The Senate voted to make English the national language of the United States. The vote drew protests from several immigrant groups and one governor of California." —Conan O'Brien
++ "Why not use immigration the way sports teams use the draft—to upgrade our roster? We could take our pick of the world's engineers, doctors, scientists, uh... smoking-hot Latin guys who stand around not wearing shirts between workouts. Or, you know, whatever..." —Ann Coulter
++ "Sen. John McCain...angrily denied that the Senate legislation was an 'amnesty.' 'Call it a banana if you want to,' he told his fellow world's greatest deliberators. 'To call the process that we require under this legislation amnesty frankly distorts the debate and it's an unfair interpretation of it.' He has a point... Whether or not, as McCain says, we should call it a singular banana, it's certainly plural bananas." —Mark Steyn
++ "Mexico threatened to sue the U.S. government if the National Guard apprehends any illegal aliens who cross the border. The threat must be feared and respected. Mexico has biological weapons that come right out of the kitchen faucet." —Argus Hamilton

"A nonprofit group, Business for Diplomatic Action (BDA), surveyed people in 130 countries. They found that much of the world perceives Americans to be loud, arrogant, ignorant, rude, boastful and unwilling to listen. Has Teddy Kennedy been globe-trotting again?" —Tom Purcell

"The love may have gone out of the marriage between conservatives and Mr. Bush. But both sides need to work hard to patch things up. If we don't, the divorce court may award Nancy Pelosi one House, and Hillary may be able to grab the other." —Jed Babbin
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OUTSOURCING THE PRESIDENCY

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of July 1, 2006. The move is being made to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 trillion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.

"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain
competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai , India will be assuming the office of President as of July 1, 2006. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Bush was not familiar with the issues either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years."

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands, as well as his goofy smile.
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The Truth

AIN'T' IT THE TRUTH???

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for a year from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever;
the second is a Senior Citizen.
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From the "This Might Not Be True" File:
Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office. "Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian'?"
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Why we split up

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.

And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the make-up so I would think she looked pretty. I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.
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We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper and Groceries are heavier.
And, everything is farther away ....
Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection.-
Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days! Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse! Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial?
HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

FRIENDS!! All I can do is pass along this warning:
We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's fonts to be smaller than they once were.
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'They Walk Among Us'

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:
"Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. Caution .. They Walk Among Us!
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk Among Us!
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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . . . . .
They Walk Among Us!
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . They Walk Among Us!
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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet? " . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!
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While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. Yep, They Walk Among Us too.

They walk among us, and REPRODUCE!
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Tool Descriptions

26 tools: what they're for!!!!
Finally - a comprehensive guide...

a.. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

b.. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

c.. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age

d.. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

e.. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

f.. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

g.. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

h.. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

i.. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

j.. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

k.. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

l.. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

m.. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-poop off your boot.

n.. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

o.. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

p.. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

q.. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

r.. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

s.. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

t.. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

u.. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

v.. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.

w.. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

x.. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

y.. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

z.. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
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Facts

Alaska
More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.

Amazon
The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20% the world's oxygen supply. The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States.

Antarctica
Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country. Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert. The average yearly total precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, i.e.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.

Brazil
Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.

Canada
Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village."

Chicago
Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.

Detroit
Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, named so because it was the first paved road anywhere.

Damascus, Syria
Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.

Istanbul, Turkey
Istanbul, Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.

Los Angeles
Los Angeles' full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula --and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.

New York City
The term "The Big Apple" was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930's who used the slang expression "apple" for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time - The Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel.

Ohio
There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, every one is manmade.

Pitcairn Island
The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 sq. miles/4,53 sq. km.

Rome
The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy in 133 B.C. There is a city called Rome on every continent.

Siberia
Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests.

S.M.O.M.
The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta (S.M.O.M.). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts, and as of 2001 has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.

Sahara Desert
In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island. There has been no rainfall there for two million years.

Spain
Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits.'

St. Paul, Minnesota
St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named Pierre "Pig's Eye" Parrant who set up the first business there.

Roads
Chances that a road is unpaved in the U.S.A.: 1%, in Canada: 75%

Texas
The deepest hole ever made in the world is in Texas. It is as deep as 20 empire state buildings but only 3 inches wide.

United States
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

Waterfalls
The water of Angel Falls (the World's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters). They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls.
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Government True-isms

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. ....But then I repeat myself. -Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man ....which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -G Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -.James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown Univ

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. - Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. -Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -Thomas Jefferson
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Back-To-Back...........

The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

We always hear "the rules "
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want, Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1 If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1 . If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really ..

1 Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

........AND THEN.............

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
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Boomer Lament........
Black and White TV (Under age 40? You won't understand.)

You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."
Depending on the channel you tuned,
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.

I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys,
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys,
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train,
Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke,
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night! --
Life looked better in black and white.

I want to go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives.
Good guys always won the fights.
Now nothing is the way it seems,
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too many fights,
I want to go back to black and white.

They trusted, alone in bed, they slept,
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.

It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite,
If I could just turn back the clock tonight
To when everybody knew wrong from right.
Life was better in black and white!
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Nostalgia foods: A long history of fun foods

BAKER'S CHOCOLATE -- 225
Although Baker's Chocolate was introduced 225 years ago (in 1780), it took root 15 years earlier when Dr. James Baker, a Harvard-educated doctor, set up shop with John Hannon, an Irish immigrant, in a small, wood-framed chocolate mill along the Neponset River near Boston.

In 1780, Baker became sole owner of the company (after his partner was lost at sea during a trip to the West Indies to purchase cacao beans), consolidated operations and established Baker's Chocolate Company. The first chocolate item produced and sold with the Baker's name was chocolate used to make a sweetened chocolate drink.

In the 1850s, Baker's German's Sweet Chocolate bar was introduced, but it wasn't until a Texas woman's cake recipe using the chocolate was printed in a Dallas paper in 1957 that sales spiked -- and the German Chocolate Cake was born.

With marketing and advertising, Baker's became a household name. Baker's Chocolate became part of the Kraft Foods portfolio of brands when it merged with General Foods in 1989.

Today the company continues to prosper, offering semisweet chocolate squares, bittersweet chocolate baking squares, premium white chocolate baking squares and German's Sweet Chocolate, along with unsweetened baking chocolate squares and Baker's Dipping Chocolate.

For 122 years, La Belle Chocolatiere ("the beautiful chocolate girl"), the trademark image, has adorned packages.

PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY -- 40
The Pillsbury Doughboy made his first appearance in 1965 in a commercial. Rudy Perz, a Chicago copywriter, created the icon when envisioned an image of a doughboy when he popped open a can of refrigerated crescent dinner rolls.

In his commercial debut, the doughboy sprang to life from a can and greeted a bemused homemaker with the words, "Hi, I'm Poppin' Fresh," the Pillsbury Doughboy -- and then "danced" across the counter in partnership with the consumer's fingers. He also served as a kitchen helper, preparing the crescent dinner roll dough, which had been introduced in 1961.

Within three years of his debut, the doughboy had an 87 percent recognition factor among consumers.

The Doughboy is a short, pudgy figure with bright blue eyes, a smiling face, a baker's hat with a Pillsbury logo and a white neckerchief. Advertising Age magazine named the him one of the top-10 advertising icons of the 20th century.

The Doughboy's role has expanded over the years and today is associated with everything from Pillsbury's frozen items (rolls, biscuits, cookie doughs, waffles) to cake, frosting and brownie mixes, quick breads and muffins and flours.

More than 40 licensed products -- including dolls, cookie jars, T-shirts, ties, clocks and jewelry -- now display the Doughboy's image.

PHILADELPHIA CREAM CHEESE -- 125
Philadelphia brand cream cheese dates back to 1880, when a New York dairyman began distributing cream cheese in tin-foil wrappers and named the product Philadelphia. Top-quality food products at the time often originated in or were associated with the Pennsylvania city.

In 1928, the Phenix Cheese Co. (that purchased the business and the Philadelphia trademark in 1903) merged with the Kraft Cheese Company.

The product line now includes whipped cream cheese, flavored whipped cream cheeses (blue cheese, smoked salmon, bacon and horseradish, onion, pimiento and chives), light cream cheese, fat-free cream cheese, Philadelphia Snack Bars and the new Philadelphia Swirls.

HOSTESS TWINKIES -- 75
Twinkies, those golden sponge cakes with creamy filling that bring back childhood memories for many, celebrates its 75th anniversary.

James A. Dewar, Hostess plant manager in Chicago, invented the confection in 1930 as a way to utilize the shortcake pans that sat idle after the strawberry shortcake season and is said to have consumed more than 40,000 Twinkies in his lifetime. The product name was inspired by a St. Louis billboard advertising "Twinkle Toe" shoes. Dewar injected the baked cakes with a smooth creme filling (originally banana flavored but changed to vanilla during World War II due to a banana shortage).

The Twinkie has emerged as a social phenomenon, with a treasure-trove of amazing tales associated with it -- i.e. the Twinkie Defense, Twinkiegate and more. Today, Twinkie the Kid, the classic mascot that began appearing on packaging in the 1970s, is more prominently used in the package design.

In November 2004, Hostess partnered with Warner Bros. to produce green creme-filled Twinkies in conjunction with the DVD release of "Shrek 2."

JELL-O INSTANT PUDDING -- 55
Although Jell-O cooked pudding was introduced in 1936 by General Foods, it wasn't until 1950 that Jell-O instant pudding was introduced to homemakers hungry for convenience foods. The flavors were chocolate, vanilla and butterscotch. Banana, chocolate fudge and white chocolate have over the years. In 1985, Jell-O ready-to-eat refrigerated Pudding Snacks in plastic cups in a variety of flavors added another convenient dimension to the line.

SHAKE 'N' BAKE -- 40
Introduced in chicken and fish varieties in 1965 by General Foods, the coating mix was designed to help consumers turn out crispy golden chicken and fish without frying. There was no batter to mix, no oil to heat, no mess to clean up. The chicken and fish were simply baked -- with no covering or turning required.

In 1969, a coating designed for pork was introduced, followed by a barbecue-style coating mix in 1974 and a hot and spicy Shake ' 1991. Today the package label includes shake-in options such as grated Parmesan cheese, ground ginger and instant minced onion along with sauce choices (spaghetti sauce, sweet and sour sauce or barbecue sauce) and topping possibilities like shredded mozzarella, Cheddar cheese and chopped green onions.

SLURPEE -- 40
Slurpee, 7-Eleven's semi-frozen beverage, made of water, carbon dioxide and flavored syrup and served at 28 degrees F, is celebrating its 40th anniversary. The frozen carbonated beverage was invented in the late 1950s by Omar Knedlik, a Kansas Dairy Queen owner, who came up with the idea of a soft-serve frozen drink (and the machine to make it) and named it Fizz. He changed the name to Icee and hooked up with a Dallas manufacturer to make the machines.

In 1965, 7-Eleven invested in three Icee machines, and by 1967 they were in almost every 7-Eleven store. Also in 1967, the company changed the name to Slurpee, after the sound of the drink coming through the straw.

Since its introduction, more than 6 billion Slurpee drinks have been sold. Popular flavors include Black Cherry, Coca-Cola Classic, Mountain Dew Blue Shock, Blue Raspberry, Crystal Light Raspberry Ice and Mountain Dew LiveWire.

GOLD MEDAL FLOUR -- 125
The flour dates back to 1866, when Cadwallader C. Washburn started his milling business on the banks of the Mississippi River in Minneapolis. In 1880, the Washburn Crosby Co. captured three top prizes (gold, silver and bronze) for its flour at the first Millers' International Exhibition in Cincinnati -- and immediately thereafter changed the name to Gold Medal Flour.

In the early 1900s, packaging changed from cloth, needed for the war, to paper bags. In 1920, Self-Rising and High Protein flours were introduced -- and both are still available today, although the protein flour is now called Better for Bread flour.

Consumers began to request recipes and ask for help with baking problems -- and Betty Crocker was created to act as a liaison with consumers.

In 1923, Gold Medal introduced cake flour, made with soft wheat, that was later (1931) renamed SoftaSilk Cake Flour. In 1928, the Washburn Crosby Co. became General Mills.

Over the years, the flour has been enriched with vitamins and minerals, the company has introduced streamlined methods for making cakes (using one bowl) and announced that sifting was unnecessary. In 1963, the revolutionary Gold Medal Wondra Instantized Flour was introduced for making lump-free sauces and gravies since it dispersed instantly in cold liquids.

In 1972, Unbleached and Whole Wheat flours came along and continue to be available today. In 1984, Gold Medal Whole Wheat Blend Flour, with approximately equal parts of all-purpose and whole wheat flours, was marketed. Today this product is sold under the name of Gold Medal Better for Bread Whole Wheat Blend.

ORIGINAL RECIPE KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN -- 65
It was 65 years ago that Col. Harland Sanders perfected the combination of 11 herbs and spices for his famous "finger lickin' good" original recipe fried chicken at his roadside restaurant in Corbin, Ky. The handwritten recipe, which launched his KFC fast-food dynasty (with more than 13,000 restaurants worldwide), is still a secret and locked up in a safe at the company's Louisville headquarters. Even the chain's top executives aren't privy to the ingredients. For security, one supplier blends part of the recipe while a spice company does the rest. Neither has the complete recipe.

KRAFT GRATED PARMESAN CHEESE -- 60
Introduced in 1945 by Kraft Cheese Co., the product debuted in 1.5- and 3-oz. canisters and a 1.5-oz. pouch. In 1958, "Italian type," grated Parmesan became available in the now familiar 8-oz. containers, and by 1962, the canister had a yellow plastic shaker top for ease in dispensing.

Although it doesn't come close to freshly grated Parmesan available in the refrigerator section of stores today (or grating your own), the canister package label notes that the product contains no fillers --only real Parmesan cheese (and cellulose powder to prevent caking and potassium sorbate to protect flavor) -- and it should be refrigerated after opening.

KRAFT MAYONNAISE -- 75
Kraft Mayonnaise debuted in 1930, followed by Kraft Light reduced-calorie mayonnaise in 1985, and Kraft Free nonfat mayonnaise in 1991. Last year, Kraft began packaging the regular mayonnaise in a plastic wide-mouth jar for ease in spooning out and storing in the refrigerator door.
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