Family Funnies

The Late Braking News......
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Quips & Quotes........

"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program". - Ronald Regan

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." —Marcus Aurelius

"Nothing is more destructive of respect for the government and the law of the land than passing laws which cannot be enforced." —Albert Einstein

"All big things in this world are done by people who are naive and have an idea that is obviously impossible." —Dr. Frank Richards

"Judges...rule on the basis of law, not public opinion, and they should be totally indifferent to pressures of the times." —former Chief Justice Warren E. Burger

"Permissiveness is the principle of treating children as if they were adults; and the tactic of making sure they never reach that stage." —Thomas Szasz

"A thing long expected takes the form of the unexpected when at last it comes." —Mark Twain

"Never fight an inanimate object." - P. J. O'Rourke

"Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people's characters." - Margaret Halsey

"Anybody who wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office." - David Broder

"The things we know best are the things we haven't been taught." - Marquis de Vauvenargues

"It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'" - - Sam Levenson

"Works of art, in my opinion, are the only objects in the material universe to possess internal order, and that is why, though I don't believe that only art matters, I do believe in Art for Art's sake." - EM Forster

"Many would be cowards if they had courage enough." - Thomas Fuller

In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known. - Thomas Pickering

A life of pleasure makes even the strongest mind frivolous at last. - Edward Bulwer-Lytton

I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty. - Nancy Reagan

People often write me and ask how I keep my wood floors so clean when I live with a child and a dog, and my answer is that I use a technique called Suffering From a Mental Illness. - Heather Armstrong

There are no such things as applied sciences, only applications of science. - Louis Pasteur

A joke's a very serious thing. - Charles Churchill

Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty. - Leo Rosten

The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority. - Ralph W. Sockman

The second half of a man's life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half. - Fyodor Dostoevsky

Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses. - Margaret Millar

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. - Dr. Seuss
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Featured Article of the Week............

THE AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly one third of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Barbara Boxer (D) CA. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."

Senators pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.

Private sector industries with good records of compassionate nondiscrimination against the inept include retail sales (42%), the airline industry (58%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%) The DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (61%)

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"

'As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills and motivation. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Ted Kennedy, (D) MA, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."
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HEADLINERS... See the Late Braking News Page For Complete Stories....

<+> Man in Chicken Suit Cries Foul Over Abuse
<+> Jetliner pilot locked out of cockpit after toilet break
<+> Actor Hugh O'Brian philosophical about marriage at 81
<+> Man Trapped Waist - Deep in Chocolate
<+> A Very Kinky Campaign
<+> Oldest Bach Manuscripts Found
<+> Segway Launches 2 New Scooters
<+> Crusty the Gator Wins Reprieve in Florida
<+> Bad - Tempered Parrot Leaves a Bloody Clue
<+> Massive Manatee Is Spotted in Hudson River
<+> 4 - Time Iditarod Champ Susan Butcher Dies
<+> Woman, 85, Left in Vault at Swiss Bank
<+> A City Wonders What to Do Next With Its 102-Year-Old Firehouse
<+> Fans Fete Papa in Key West Hemingway Days
<+> Emmy winning actor Jack Warden dead at 85
<+> Celebrating Puzzles, in 18,446,744,073,709,551,616 Moves (or So)
<+> Boy George Reports for Trash Duty
<+> Protesters challenge the powerful at exclusive California retreat
<+> Single City Block Hosts World's Longest Race
<+> Magicians Battle It Out for World Title
<+> Breaking a Barrier 60 Years Before Robinson
<+> Transforming the Alchemists
<+> Their Motorcycles Are in the Mail
<+> Chasing the Perfect Taco Up the California Coast
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Night Lines

David Letterman: "Top Signs New York City Is Becoming More Polite":

* After selling a hot dog, vendors share helpful food poisoning remedies;
* Batteries thrown by New York Yankees fans are the environmentally-friendly rechargeable kind;
* Muggers say, "May I?" before gutting you like a carp;
* Cab drivers no longer curse and give the finger at the same time;
* Two words: complimentary rats;
* "Thank you" always follows, "Do as I say and no one gets hurt";
* Number of motorists who stop at red lights is up to 8%.

Jay Leno:

* President Bush went to Iraq to boost the new government. That shows how rough the situation is in Iraq when a guy with a 30% approval rating stops by to give you a boost. ...
* President Bush sneaked into Iraq without any formal paperwork, which I guess would make him an undocumented leader. ...
* President Bush returned safely from his surprise trip to Iraq. A lot of people criticize him, saying he was only in Iraq for five hours. Hey, it's still five hours longer than the French were there. ...
* Democrats are refusing to give President Bush any credit for killing al-Zarqawi. Like today Al Gore blamed it on global warming. And John Kerry said of the two 500 pound bombs that hit the safe house, he voted for the first bomb—not the second one. ...
* Gore said they could have gotten the same job done with one hybrid mini bomb that runs on vegetable oil. Less pollution. ...
* What's the difference between al-Zarqawi and Patrick Kennedy? Patrick Kennedy will get bombed again. ...
* Remember those $1,000 credit cards given to the victims of Hurricane Katrina? Congressional investigators now say FEMA was conned out of over $1.4 billion in bogus claims. Imagine how much worse it would have been if FEMA had actually gotten there on time? ...
* Congress is outraged by these bogus claims. Congress said, "If people want to break the law and steal taxpayer money, hey, get elected to Congress like everybody else."...
* Bill Clinton said it is now recognized that he and Al Gore were right about global warming. Get the feeling right now Gore is going, "We?" The only thing Clinton thought was hot back in the '90s was Paula Jones.


David Letterman: Top Mel Gibson Excuses":

* Did I say Jews? I meant Scientologists;
* Food poisoning from a bad knish;
* Uhh, hello? I'm famous;
* Shouldn't have been drinking with Hasselhoff;
* Any press is good press;
* I refer all questions to my Jew attorney;
* Tired of Britney Spears getting all the "crazy celebrity" attention;
* Oh like you've never gotten drunk and accidentally said, "Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world"?

Jay Leno:

* As I'm sure you've heard by now, the airlines are saying no more hair gels, shampoos, make-up or hair spray allowed in carry-on bags. Who's attacking us? Drag queens? ...
* They also said men cannot carry on shaving cream. Why? When was the last time you saw an Islamic militant guy with a can of shaving cream? ...
* On some flights the only thing airlines are letting you take on are a passport and cash. The passport, of course, for identification and the cash so they can sell you a bottle of water for $20. ...
* The terrorists called the liquid potion they were making, "Mother of Satan." Which is what Mel Gibson now calls tequila. ...
* See, that offends me, "Mother of Satan." Why did they have to bring Satan's mother into this? You can't blame the mom for the way the kids turned out. I'm sure Mrs. Satan did the best she could. ...
* Officials say the terrorists targeted United, American and Continental airlines. You know what that means. Even terrorists won't fly Southwest. It's just too cramped. There's no legroom. ...
* British authorities said they were able to detect the terrorist plot using a surveillance program that The New York Times hadn't got around to exposing yet. ...
* Now they're saying all this terrorist activity could lead to higher oil prices. When asked why, the oil companies said, "Cause everything leads to higher oil prices." ...
* In fact, the price of crude oil could hit 80 dollars a barrel. That's beyond crude. That's obscene. ...
* To give you an idea how expensive gas is getting, in Pennsylvania Amish country there has been a rash of horse and buggy jackings.

David Letterman:
Top Chapter Titles In George W. Bush's Memoirs:

* "101 Ways I've Misspelled 'Condoleezza"';
* "Why Mom And Dad Voted For Kerry";
* "How To Lose An Election And Still Become President";
* "1962-1964: The Cheerleader Years";
* "Huh?";
* "Chapter 20...Or is That My Approval Rating?"

Jay Leno:

* It was so hot in Rhode Island that Patrick Kennedy was popping frozen Ambien. ...
* It was so hot in Cuba, Fidel Castro said he's looking forward to being put on ice. ...
* Castro's condition has been listed as a stable but homeless looking condition. ...
* As you know, the elderly Fidel Castro is recovering from surgery in Cuba. It was pretty serious. I understand he was rushed to the hospital on Donkey One. ...
* A message delivered on Cuban Television today said that Fidel Castro's condition is listed as stable, which in Communist countries means he'll be dead by Friday. ...
* In a speech in Florida President Bush praised all the contributions Cubans have made to America: catching, hitting, outfielding, shortstop. These were all major, major contributions. ...
* As you know President Bush is currently on vacation in Texas. He said he's going to try and do absolutely nothing for the next ten days. His advisors think this is the best way to bring his approval rating up. Just don't do anything. ...
* On a trip to Estonia, Senators McCain and Hillary Clinton got into a vodka-drinking contest. See that shows you how two sides can get together. When a McCain and a Clinton can both end up acting like a Kennedy.

David Letterman: "Top Dumb Guy Ideas for Lowering Gas Prices":

* Make all roads downhill;
* Cheaper self-service price if you pump the oil and refine it yourself;
* Gas comes from dinosaurs, so all we need are more dinosaurs;
* Give Cheney a sawed-off shotgun and have him stick up an Exxon;
* Get President Bush and the Middle East to straighten everything out on Oprah;
* Jet packs for everyone;
* Gas only costs 12 cents a gallon in Venezuela; drive to Venezuela for gas;
* Get tubby genius Al Gore to figure it out.

Jay Leno:

* There's now a 48-hour cease-fire going on in the Middle East. Israel will stop attacking Hizballah. But, Hizballah will not necessarily agree to stop attacking Israel. Hey, we can't even get Mel Gibson to stop attacking Israel. ...
* Police said today that they found a bottle of tequila in Mel's Lexus. So let's sum up what happened here; Mel Gibson, who grew up in Australia, was drinking alcohol from Mexico in his Japanese car while yelling about the Jews in Israel. You know where he was coming from? A Thai restaurant. Welcome to America....
* Tour de France winner Floyd Landis has tested positive for high levels of testosterone. He said he did not cheat. Landis said his first results were a 'false positive.' Sounds like a John Kerry answer, doesn't it? A yes and no. ...
* Ted Kennedy announced today that because of global warming, he will no longer be doing any flaming Jell-o shots. ...
* The price of gas continues to go up. To give you an idea how expensive gas is, Keith Olbermann has been car-pooling with Bill O'Reilly all week. ...
* The DEA is warning teachers and parents to be aware of marijuana in the form of gum. They're putting marijuana in gum now. In fact, you know how you can tell if your gum has marijuana in it? If you think the Bazooka Joe cartoon is really, really funny. ...
* Congress has sent a bill to the president that will set up a national database of convicted sex offenders on the internet. Don't we have this already? It's called MySpace.com ...
* [Thursday] marked the 53rd anniversary of Fidel Castro's revolution in Cuba. Anybody know what Cuba's main export is? Cubans. ...
* It's now illegal to feed the homeless in Orlando, Florida. Have you seen the fat people walking around Disneyworld? We should make illegal to feed them.
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A self-help clinic?

"A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. He claims that he's invisible."

The psychiatrist replies, "Tell him I can't see him!"
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ISRAEL

A Jewish businessman sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son returned he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father, "What have I done?"

He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"

"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I, too, sent my son to Israel and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi."

So they did. They explained their problem.

"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi, "I, too, sent my son to Israel and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"

They all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. After they finished their prayer, a Voice came from the heavens...

"Funny you should ask," said the Voice. "I, too, sent my son to Israel..."
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Dedicated Golfer

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly the wife collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband runs off to find a doctor, and soon returns. He picks up his putter, and lines up his shot.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm DYING over here and you're PUTTING?"

"Don't worry dear", says the husband. "I found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you!"

"How long will it take?" she asks gasps.

"No time at all", says her husband, putting the ball. "Everyone agreed to let him play through"!
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Why English Teachers have aneurysms...

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....*

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
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Natural Laws
*Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

* Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

* Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

* Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

* Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

* Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (happens every time).

* Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

* Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone with whom you don't want to be seen.

* Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

* Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

* Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

* Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

* Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

* Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly related to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

* Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

* Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

* Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

* Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

* Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
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Redneck Cure

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10! . I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now.
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Cat story

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
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"THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING"

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back on the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10..
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

NOW YOU KNOW EVERYTHING !!!
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Grandmas & Kids

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head,

His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
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A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he said.
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When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm not sure."

"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
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Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.

In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"

With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
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A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es."

(Wouldn't an English teacher love that one?)
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"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
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A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green

Army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck"

A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
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Kids & Religion
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The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
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LOT'S WIFE:

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
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GOOD SAMARITAN:

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
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DID NOAH FISH?:

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."
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HIGHER POWER:

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"
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MOSES &THE RED SEA:

Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
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THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
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Kids and Prayers

UNANSWERED PRAYER?

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages,
"I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
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BEING THANKFUL I said this one a lot.

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
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EXPRESS PRAYER

Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food.

One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked for a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"
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UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER

During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.
Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle... and He just then did!"
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TIME TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night?
"Yes sir," the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."
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THE BLESSING

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said
Our daughter bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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BEWARE OF TRASH

One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our 'trash baskets' as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
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ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?

When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers, together.
As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past ).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."
As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
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SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."
"I don't have to," The boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating, at our house."
"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!
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