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Welcome to The Family Funnies..... With these vignettes we're here to lighten your load and brighten your day....Don't miss the Links to other good stuff...... Material for this page can be submitted to FamilyFunnies@gmail.com .....
Friday, September 08, 2006
Like a Rolling Stone.............
The Late Braking News......
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Quips & Quotes........
"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program". - Ronald Regan
"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." —Marcus Aurelius
"Nothing is more destructive of respect for the government and the law of the land than passing laws which cannot be enforced." —Albert Einstein
"All big things in this world are done by people who are naive and have an idea that is obviously impossible." —Dr. Frank Richards
"Judges...rule on the basis of law, not public opinion, and they should be totally indifferent to pressures of the times." —former Chief Justice Warren E. Burger
"Permissiveness is the principle of treating children as if they were adults; and the tactic of making sure they never reach that stage." —Thomas Szasz
"A thing long expected takes the form of the unexpected when at last it comes." —Mark Twain
"Never fight an inanimate object." - P. J. O'Rourke
"Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people's characters." - Margaret Halsey
"Anybody who wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office." - David Broder
"The things we know best are the things we haven't been taught." - Marquis de Vauvenargues
"It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'" - - Sam Levenson
"Works of art, in my opinion, are the only objects in the material universe to possess internal order, and that is why, though I don't believe that only art matters, I do believe in Art for Art's sake." - EM Forster
"Many would be cowards if they had courage enough." - Thomas Fuller
In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known. - Thomas Pickering
A life of pleasure makes even the strongest mind frivolous at last. - Edward Bulwer-Lytton
I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty. - Nancy Reagan
People often write me and ask how I keep my wood floors so clean when I live with a child and a dog, and my answer is that I use a technique called Suffering From a Mental Illness. - Heather Armstrong
There are no such things as applied sciences, only applications of science. - Louis Pasteur
A joke's a very serious thing. - Charles Churchill
Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty. - Leo Rosten
The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority. - Ralph W. Sockman
The second half of a man's life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half. - Fyodor Dostoevsky
Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses. - Margaret Millar
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. - Dr. Seuss
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Featured Article of the Week............
THE AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT
WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly one third of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Barbara Boxer (D) CA. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."
Senators pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.
Private sector industries with good records of compassionate nondiscrimination against the inept include retail sales (42%), the airline industry (58%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%) The DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (61%)
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"
'As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills and motivation. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Senator Ted Kennedy, (D) MA, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."
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HEADLINERS... See the Late Braking News Page For Complete Stories....
<+> Man in Chicken Suit Cries Foul Over Abuse
<+> Jetliner pilot locked out of cockpit after toilet break
<+> Actor Hugh O'Brian philosophical about marriage at 81
<+> Man Trapped Waist - Deep in Chocolate
<+> A Very Kinky Campaign
<+> Oldest Bach Manuscripts Found
<+> Segway Launches 2 New Scooters
<+> Crusty the Gator Wins Reprieve in Florida
<+> Bad - Tempered Parrot Leaves a Bloody Clue
<+> Massive Manatee Is Spotted in Hudson River
<+> 4 - Time Iditarod Champ Susan Butcher Dies
<+> Woman, 85, Left in Vault at Swiss Bank
<+> A City Wonders What to Do Next With Its 102-Year-Old Firehouse
<+> Fans Fete Papa in Key West Hemingway Days
<+> Emmy winning actor Jack Warden dead at 85
<+> Celebrating Puzzles, in 18,446,744,073,709,551,616 Moves (or So)
<+> Boy George Reports for Trash Duty
<+> Protesters challenge the powerful at exclusive California retreat
<+> Single City Block Hosts World's Longest Race
<+> Magicians Battle It Out for World Title
<+> Breaking a Barrier 60 Years Before Robinson
<+> Transforming the Alchemists
<+> Their Motorcycles Are in the Mail
<+> Chasing the Perfect Taco Up the California Coast
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Night Lines
David Letterman: "Top Signs New York City Is Becoming More Polite":
* After selling a hot dog, vendors share helpful food poisoning remedies;
* Batteries thrown by New York Yankees fans are the environmentally-friendly rechargeable kind;
* Muggers say, "May I?" before gutting you like a carp;
* Cab drivers no longer curse and give the finger at the same time;
* Two words: complimentary rats;
* "Thank you" always follows, "Do as I say and no one gets hurt";
* Number of motorists who stop at red lights is up to 8%.
Jay Leno:
* President Bush went to Iraq to boost the new government. That shows how rough the situation is in Iraq when a guy with a 30% approval rating stops by to give you a boost. ...
* President Bush sneaked into Iraq without any formal paperwork, which I guess would make him an undocumented leader. ...
* President Bush returned safely from his surprise trip to Iraq. A lot of people criticize him, saying he was only in Iraq for five hours. Hey, it's still five hours longer than the French were there. ...
* Democrats are refusing to give President Bush any credit for killing al-Zarqawi. Like today Al Gore blamed it on global warming. And John Kerry said of the two 500 pound bombs that hit the safe house, he voted for the first bomb—not the second one. ...
* Gore said they could have gotten the same job done with one hybrid mini bomb that runs on vegetable oil. Less pollution. ...
* What's the difference between al-Zarqawi and Patrick Kennedy? Patrick Kennedy will get bombed again. ...
* Remember those $1,000 credit cards given to the victims of Hurricane Katrina? Congressional investigators now say FEMA was conned out of over $1.4 billion in bogus claims. Imagine how much worse it would have been if FEMA had actually gotten there on time? ...
* Congress is outraged by these bogus claims. Congress said, "If people want to break the law and steal taxpayer money, hey, get elected to Congress like everybody else."...
* Bill Clinton said it is now recognized that he and Al Gore were right about global warming. Get the feeling right now Gore is going, "We?" The only thing Clinton thought was hot back in the '90s was Paula Jones.
David Letterman: Top Mel Gibson Excuses":
* Did I say Jews? I meant Scientologists;
* Food poisoning from a bad knish;
* Uhh, hello? I'm famous;
* Shouldn't have been drinking with Hasselhoff;
* Any press is good press;
* I refer all questions to my Jew attorney;
* Tired of Britney Spears getting all the "crazy celebrity" attention;
* Oh like you've never gotten drunk and accidentally said, "Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world"?
Jay Leno:
* As I'm sure you've heard by now, the airlines are saying no more hair gels, shampoos, make-up or hair spray allowed in carry-on bags. Who's attacking us? Drag queens? ...
* They also said men cannot carry on shaving cream. Why? When was the last time you saw an Islamic militant guy with a can of shaving cream? ...
* On some flights the only thing airlines are letting you take on are a passport and cash. The passport, of course, for identification and the cash so they can sell you a bottle of water for $20. ...
* The terrorists called the liquid potion they were making, "Mother of Satan." Which is what Mel Gibson now calls tequila. ...
* See, that offends me, "Mother of Satan." Why did they have to bring Satan's mother into this? You can't blame the mom for the way the kids turned out. I'm sure Mrs. Satan did the best she could. ...
* Officials say the terrorists targeted United, American and Continental airlines. You know what that means. Even terrorists won't fly Southwest. It's just too cramped. There's no legroom. ...
* British authorities said they were able to detect the terrorist plot using a surveillance program that The New York Times hadn't got around to exposing yet. ...
* Now they're saying all this terrorist activity could lead to higher oil prices. When asked why, the oil companies said, "Cause everything leads to higher oil prices." ...
* In fact, the price of crude oil could hit 80 dollars a barrel. That's beyond crude. That's obscene. ...
* To give you an idea how expensive gas is getting, in Pennsylvania Amish country there has been a rash of horse and buggy jackings.
David Letterman:
Top Chapter Titles In George W. Bush's Memoirs:
* "101 Ways I've Misspelled 'Condoleezza"';
* "Why Mom And Dad Voted For Kerry";
* "How To Lose An Election And Still Become President";
* "1962-1964: The Cheerleader Years";
* "Huh?";
* "Chapter 20...Or is That My Approval Rating?"
Jay Leno:
* It was so hot in Rhode Island that Patrick Kennedy was popping frozen Ambien. ...
* It was so hot in Cuba, Fidel Castro said he's looking forward to being put on ice. ...
* Castro's condition has been listed as a stable but homeless looking condition. ...
* As you know, the elderly Fidel Castro is recovering from surgery in Cuba. It was pretty serious. I understand he was rushed to the hospital on Donkey One. ...
* A message delivered on Cuban Television today said that Fidel Castro's condition is listed as stable, which in Communist countries means he'll be dead by Friday. ...
* In a speech in Florida President Bush praised all the contributions Cubans have made to America: catching, hitting, outfielding, shortstop. These were all major, major contributions. ...
* As you know President Bush is currently on vacation in Texas. He said he's going to try and do absolutely nothing for the next ten days. His advisors think this is the best way to bring his approval rating up. Just don't do anything. ...
* On a trip to Estonia, Senators McCain and Hillary Clinton got into a vodka-drinking contest. See that shows you how two sides can get together. When a McCain and a Clinton can both end up acting like a Kennedy.
David Letterman: "Top Dumb Guy Ideas for Lowering Gas Prices":
* Make all roads downhill;
* Cheaper self-service price if you pump the oil and refine it yourself;
* Gas comes from dinosaurs, so all we need are more dinosaurs;
* Give Cheney a sawed-off shotgun and have him stick up an Exxon;
* Get President Bush and the Middle East to straighten everything out on Oprah;
* Jet packs for everyone;
* Gas only costs 12 cents a gallon in Venezuela; drive to Venezuela for gas;
* Get tubby genius Al Gore to figure it out.
Jay Leno:
* There's now a 48-hour cease-fire going on in the Middle East. Israel will stop attacking Hizballah. But, Hizballah will not necessarily agree to stop attacking Israel. Hey, we can't even get Mel Gibson to stop attacking Israel. ...
* Police said today that they found a bottle of tequila in Mel's Lexus. So let's sum up what happened here; Mel Gibson, who grew up in Australia, was drinking alcohol from Mexico in his Japanese car while yelling about the Jews in Israel. You know where he was coming from? A Thai restaurant. Welcome to America....
* Tour de France winner Floyd Landis has tested positive for high levels of testosterone. He said he did not cheat. Landis said his first results were a 'false positive.' Sounds like a John Kerry answer, doesn't it? A yes and no. ...
* Ted Kennedy announced today that because of global warming, he will no longer be doing any flaming Jell-o shots. ...
* The price of gas continues to go up. To give you an idea how expensive gas is, Keith Olbermann has been car-pooling with Bill O'Reilly all week. ...
* The DEA is warning teachers and parents to be aware of marijuana in the form of gum. They're putting marijuana in gum now. In fact, you know how you can tell if your gum has marijuana in it? If you think the Bazooka Joe cartoon is really, really funny. ...
* Congress has sent a bill to the president that will set up a national database of convicted sex offenders on the internet. Don't we have this already? It's called MySpace.com ...
* [Thursday] marked the 53rd anniversary of Fidel Castro's revolution in Cuba. Anybody know what Cuba's main export is? Cubans. ...
* It's now illegal to feed the homeless in Orlando, Florida. Have you seen the fat people walking around Disneyworld? We should make illegal to feed them.
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A self-help clinic?
"A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. He claims that he's invisible."
The psychiatrist replies, "Tell him I can't see him!"
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ISRAEL
A Jewish businessman sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son returned he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," said the father, "What have I done?"
He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I, too, sent my son to Israel and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi."
So they did. They explained their problem.
"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi, "I, too, sent my son to Israel and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"
They all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. After they finished their prayer, a Voice came from the heavens...
"Funny you should ask," said the Voice. "I, too, sent my son to Israel..."
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Dedicated Golfer
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly the wife collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband runs off to find a doctor, and soon returns. He picks up his putter, and lines up his shot.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm DYING over here and you're PUTTING?"
"Don't worry dear", says the husband. "I found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you!"
"How long will it take?" she asks gasps.
"No time at all", says her husband, putting the ball. "Everyone agreed to let him play through"!
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Why English Teachers have aneurysms...
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....*
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
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Natural Laws
*Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
* Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
* Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
* Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
* Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
* Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (happens every time).
* Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
* Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone with whom you don't want to be seen.
* Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
* Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
* Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
* Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
* Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
* Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly related to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
* Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
* Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
* Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
* Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
* Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
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Redneck Cure
Bubba went to a psychiatrist. I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10! . I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now.
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Cat story
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
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"THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING"
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back on the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10..
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
NOW YOU KNOW EVERYTHING !!!
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Grandmas & Kids
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head,
His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
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A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he said.
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When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
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Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
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A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es."
(Wouldn't an English teacher love that one?)
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"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
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A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green
Army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck"
A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
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Kids & Religion
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The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
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LOT'S WIFE:
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
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GOOD SAMARITAN:
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
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DID NOAH FISH?:
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."
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HIGHER POWER:
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
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MOSES &THE RED SEA:
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
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THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
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Kids and Prayers
UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages,
"I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
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BEING THANKFUL I said this one a lot.
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
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EXPRESS PRAYER
Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food.
One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked for a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"
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UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.
Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"
Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle... and He just then did!"
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TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night?
"Yes sir," the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."
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THE BLESSING
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said
Our daughter bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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BEWARE OF TRASH
One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our 'trash baskets' as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
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ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers, together.
As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past ).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."
As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
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SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."
"I don't have to," The boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating, at our house."
"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!
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Quips & Quotes........
"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program". - Ronald Regan
"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." —Marcus Aurelius
"Nothing is more destructive of respect for the government and the law of the land than passing laws which cannot be enforced." —Albert Einstein
"All big things in this world are done by people who are naive and have an idea that is obviously impossible." —Dr. Frank Richards
"Judges...rule on the basis of law, not public opinion, and they should be totally indifferent to pressures of the times." —former Chief Justice Warren E. Burger
"Permissiveness is the principle of treating children as if they were adults; and the tactic of making sure they never reach that stage." —Thomas Szasz
"A thing long expected takes the form of the unexpected when at last it comes." —Mark Twain
"Never fight an inanimate object." - P. J. O'Rourke
"Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people's characters." - Margaret Halsey
"Anybody who wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office." - David Broder
"The things we know best are the things we haven't been taught." - Marquis de Vauvenargues
"It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'" - - Sam Levenson
"Works of art, in my opinion, are the only objects in the material universe to possess internal order, and that is why, though I don't believe that only art matters, I do believe in Art for Art's sake." - EM Forster
"Many would be cowards if they had courage enough." - Thomas Fuller
In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known. - Thomas Pickering
A life of pleasure makes even the strongest mind frivolous at last. - Edward Bulwer-Lytton
I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty. - Nancy Reagan
People often write me and ask how I keep my wood floors so clean when I live with a child and a dog, and my answer is that I use a technique called Suffering From a Mental Illness. - Heather Armstrong
There are no such things as applied sciences, only applications of science. - Louis Pasteur
A joke's a very serious thing. - Charles Churchill
Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty. - Leo Rosten
The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority. - Ralph W. Sockman
The second half of a man's life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half. - Fyodor Dostoevsky
Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses. - Margaret Millar
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. - Dr. Seuss
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Featured Article of the Week............
THE AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT
WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly one third of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Barbara Boxer (D) CA. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."
Senators pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.
Private sector industries with good records of compassionate nondiscrimination against the inept include retail sales (42%), the airline industry (58%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%) The DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (61%)
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"
'As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills and motivation. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Senator Ted Kennedy, (D) MA, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."
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HEADLINERS... See the Late Braking News Page For Complete Stories....
<+> Man in Chicken Suit Cries Foul Over Abuse
<+> Jetliner pilot locked out of cockpit after toilet break
<+> Actor Hugh O'Brian philosophical about marriage at 81
<+> Man Trapped Waist - Deep in Chocolate
<+> A Very Kinky Campaign
<+> Oldest Bach Manuscripts Found
<+> Segway Launches 2 New Scooters
<+> Crusty the Gator Wins Reprieve in Florida
<+> Bad - Tempered Parrot Leaves a Bloody Clue
<+> Massive Manatee Is Spotted in Hudson River
<+> 4 - Time Iditarod Champ Susan Butcher Dies
<+> Woman, 85, Left in Vault at Swiss Bank
<+> A City Wonders What to Do Next With Its 102-Year-Old Firehouse
<+> Fans Fete Papa in Key West Hemingway Days
<+> Emmy winning actor Jack Warden dead at 85
<+> Celebrating Puzzles, in 18,446,744,073,709,551,616 Moves (or So)
<+> Boy George Reports for Trash Duty
<+> Protesters challenge the powerful at exclusive California retreat
<+> Single City Block Hosts World's Longest Race
<+> Magicians Battle It Out for World Title
<+> Breaking a Barrier 60 Years Before Robinson
<+> Transforming the Alchemists
<+> Their Motorcycles Are in the Mail
<+> Chasing the Perfect Taco Up the California Coast
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Night Lines
David Letterman: "Top Signs New York City Is Becoming More Polite":
* After selling a hot dog, vendors share helpful food poisoning remedies;
* Batteries thrown by New York Yankees fans are the environmentally-friendly rechargeable kind;
* Muggers say, "May I?" before gutting you like a carp;
* Cab drivers no longer curse and give the finger at the same time;
* Two words: complimentary rats;
* "Thank you" always follows, "Do as I say and no one gets hurt";
* Number of motorists who stop at red lights is up to 8%.
Jay Leno:
* President Bush went to Iraq to boost the new government. That shows how rough the situation is in Iraq when a guy with a 30% approval rating stops by to give you a boost. ...
* President Bush sneaked into Iraq without any formal paperwork, which I guess would make him an undocumented leader. ...
* President Bush returned safely from his surprise trip to Iraq. A lot of people criticize him, saying he was only in Iraq for five hours. Hey, it's still five hours longer than the French were there. ...
* Democrats are refusing to give President Bush any credit for killing al-Zarqawi. Like today Al Gore blamed it on global warming. And John Kerry said of the two 500 pound bombs that hit the safe house, he voted for the first bomb—not the second one. ...
* Gore said they could have gotten the same job done with one hybrid mini bomb that runs on vegetable oil. Less pollution. ...
* What's the difference between al-Zarqawi and Patrick Kennedy? Patrick Kennedy will get bombed again. ...
* Remember those $1,000 credit cards given to the victims of Hurricane Katrina? Congressional investigators now say FEMA was conned out of over $1.4 billion in bogus claims. Imagine how much worse it would have been if FEMA had actually gotten there on time? ...
* Congress is outraged by these bogus claims. Congress said, "If people want to break the law and steal taxpayer money, hey, get elected to Congress like everybody else."...
* Bill Clinton said it is now recognized that he and Al Gore were right about global warming. Get the feeling right now Gore is going, "We?" The only thing Clinton thought was hot back in the '90s was Paula Jones.
David Letterman: Top Mel Gibson Excuses":
* Did I say Jews? I meant Scientologists;
* Food poisoning from a bad knish;
* Uhh, hello? I'm famous;
* Shouldn't have been drinking with Hasselhoff;
* Any press is good press;
* I refer all questions to my Jew attorney;
* Tired of Britney Spears getting all the "crazy celebrity" attention;
* Oh like you've never gotten drunk and accidentally said, "Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world"?
Jay Leno:
* As I'm sure you've heard by now, the airlines are saying no more hair gels, shampoos, make-up or hair spray allowed in carry-on bags. Who's attacking us? Drag queens? ...
* They also said men cannot carry on shaving cream. Why? When was the last time you saw an Islamic militant guy with a can of shaving cream? ...
* On some flights the only thing airlines are letting you take on are a passport and cash. The passport, of course, for identification and the cash so they can sell you a bottle of water for $20. ...
* The terrorists called the liquid potion they were making, "Mother of Satan." Which is what Mel Gibson now calls tequila. ...
* See, that offends me, "Mother of Satan." Why did they have to bring Satan's mother into this? You can't blame the mom for the way the kids turned out. I'm sure Mrs. Satan did the best she could. ...
* Officials say the terrorists targeted United, American and Continental airlines. You know what that means. Even terrorists won't fly Southwest. It's just too cramped. There's no legroom. ...
* British authorities said they were able to detect the terrorist plot using a surveillance program that The New York Times hadn't got around to exposing yet. ...
* Now they're saying all this terrorist activity could lead to higher oil prices. When asked why, the oil companies said, "Cause everything leads to higher oil prices." ...
* In fact, the price of crude oil could hit 80 dollars a barrel. That's beyond crude. That's obscene. ...
* To give you an idea how expensive gas is getting, in Pennsylvania Amish country there has been a rash of horse and buggy jackings.
David Letterman:
Top Chapter Titles In George W. Bush's Memoirs:
* "101 Ways I've Misspelled 'Condoleezza"';
* "Why Mom And Dad Voted For Kerry";
* "How To Lose An Election And Still Become President";
* "1962-1964: The Cheerleader Years";
* "Huh?";
* "Chapter 20...Or is That My Approval Rating?"
Jay Leno:
* It was so hot in Rhode Island that Patrick Kennedy was popping frozen Ambien. ...
* It was so hot in Cuba, Fidel Castro said he's looking forward to being put on ice. ...
* Castro's condition has been listed as a stable but homeless looking condition. ...
* As you know, the elderly Fidel Castro is recovering from surgery in Cuba. It was pretty serious. I understand he was rushed to the hospital on Donkey One. ...
* A message delivered on Cuban Television today said that Fidel Castro's condition is listed as stable, which in Communist countries means he'll be dead by Friday. ...
* In a speech in Florida President Bush praised all the contributions Cubans have made to America: catching, hitting, outfielding, shortstop. These were all major, major contributions. ...
* As you know President Bush is currently on vacation in Texas. He said he's going to try and do absolutely nothing for the next ten days. His advisors think this is the best way to bring his approval rating up. Just don't do anything. ...
* On a trip to Estonia, Senators McCain and Hillary Clinton got into a vodka-drinking contest. See that shows you how two sides can get together. When a McCain and a Clinton can both end up acting like a Kennedy.
David Letterman: "Top Dumb Guy Ideas for Lowering Gas Prices":
* Make all roads downhill;
* Cheaper self-service price if you pump the oil and refine it yourself;
* Gas comes from dinosaurs, so all we need are more dinosaurs;
* Give Cheney a sawed-off shotgun and have him stick up an Exxon;
* Get President Bush and the Middle East to straighten everything out on Oprah;
* Jet packs for everyone;
* Gas only costs 12 cents a gallon in Venezuela; drive to Venezuela for gas;
* Get tubby genius Al Gore to figure it out.
Jay Leno:
* There's now a 48-hour cease-fire going on in the Middle East. Israel will stop attacking Hizballah. But, Hizballah will not necessarily agree to stop attacking Israel. Hey, we can't even get Mel Gibson to stop attacking Israel. ...
* Police said today that they found a bottle of tequila in Mel's Lexus. So let's sum up what happened here; Mel Gibson, who grew up in Australia, was drinking alcohol from Mexico in his Japanese car while yelling about the Jews in Israel. You know where he was coming from? A Thai restaurant. Welcome to America....
* Tour de France winner Floyd Landis has tested positive for high levels of testosterone. He said he did not cheat. Landis said his first results were a 'false positive.' Sounds like a John Kerry answer, doesn't it? A yes and no. ...
* Ted Kennedy announced today that because of global warming, he will no longer be doing any flaming Jell-o shots. ...
* The price of gas continues to go up. To give you an idea how expensive gas is, Keith Olbermann has been car-pooling with Bill O'Reilly all week. ...
* The DEA is warning teachers and parents to be aware of marijuana in the form of gum. They're putting marijuana in gum now. In fact, you know how you can tell if your gum has marijuana in it? If you think the Bazooka Joe cartoon is really, really funny. ...
* Congress has sent a bill to the president that will set up a national database of convicted sex offenders on the internet. Don't we have this already? It's called MySpace.com ...
* [Thursday] marked the 53rd anniversary of Fidel Castro's revolution in Cuba. Anybody know what Cuba's main export is? Cubans. ...
* It's now illegal to feed the homeless in Orlando, Florida. Have you seen the fat people walking around Disneyworld? We should make illegal to feed them.
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A self-help clinic?
"A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. He claims that he's invisible."
The psychiatrist replies, "Tell him I can't see him!"
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ISRAEL
A Jewish businessman sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son returned he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," said the father, "What have I done?"
He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I, too, sent my son to Israel and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi."
So they did. They explained their problem.
"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi, "I, too, sent my son to Israel and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"
They all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. After they finished their prayer, a Voice came from the heavens...
"Funny you should ask," said the Voice. "I, too, sent my son to Israel..."
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Dedicated Golfer
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly the wife collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband runs off to find a doctor, and soon returns. He picks up his putter, and lines up his shot.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm DYING over here and you're PUTTING?"
"Don't worry dear", says the husband. "I found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you!"
"How long will it take?" she asks gasps.
"No time at all", says her husband, putting the ball. "Everyone agreed to let him play through"!
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Why English Teachers have aneurysms...
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....*
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
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Natural Laws
*Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
* Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
* Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
* Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
* Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
* Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (happens every time).
* Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
* Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone with whom you don't want to be seen.
* Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
* Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
* Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
* Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
* Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
* Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly related to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
* Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
* Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
* Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
* Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
* Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
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Redneck Cure
Bubba went to a psychiatrist. I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10! . I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now.
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Cat story
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
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"THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING"
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back on the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10..
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
NOW YOU KNOW EVERYTHING !!!
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Grandmas & Kids
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head,
His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
**************************************
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
**************************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he said.
*********************************
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
***********************************
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
***************************************
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es."
(Wouldn't an English teacher love that one?)
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"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
********************************************
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green
Army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
***********************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck"
A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
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Kids & Religion
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
LOT'S WIFE:
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
GOOD SAMARITAN:
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
DID NOAH FISH?:
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
HIGHER POWER:
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
MOSES &THE RED SEA:
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
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Kids and Prayers
UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages,
"I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
BEING THANKFUL I said this one a lot.
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
EXPRESS PRAYER
Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food.
One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked for a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.
Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"
Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle... and He just then did!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night?
"Yes sir," the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
THE BLESSING
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said
Our daughter bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
BEWARE OF TRASH
One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our 'trash baskets' as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers, together.
As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past ).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."
As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."
"I don't have to," The boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating, at our house."
"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!
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Posted by: Jacob Marley / 1:24 PM 
Friday, July 21, 2006
Jokerman...............
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The Late Braking News.........
Quips & Quotes
The bubbling brook would lose its song if you removed the rocks.
"Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them."
- HL Mencken
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to believe."
- Laurence J. Peter
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
- A. Whitney Brown
"The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced."
- Frank Zappa
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."
- Mark Twain
"Art is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist does the better."
- Andre Gide
"Humanity is acquiring all the right technology for all the wrong reasons."
- R. Buckminster Fuller
"Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?"
- Kelvin Throop III
***********
HEADLINERS... See the Late Braking News Page For Complete Stories....
~~ Keith Richards Says He's Ready to Tour
~~ Possibly intoxicated pelican runs into windshield
~~ Accident - Prone Pelican Fumbles Take - Off
~~ Cat Burglar Suspect in Garden - Glove Thefts
~~ Hot Dog Eater Wins 6th Straight Contest By
~~ Autopsy: Steve Howe Had Meth in His System at Time of Fatal Crash
~~ McCartney Sang About 64 in '67, and Now It's Here
~~ Mike Hammer Creator Mickey Spillane Dies By
~~ Red, white and blue hot dog eater seeks mustard yellow belt
~~ Death No Obstacle for Chart - Topper Johnny Cash
~~ Maine Lobsterman Pulls Up Rare Lobster
~~ Berlin Love Parade Back After Three - Year Absence
~~ It's an Auction, Jim, but Not as We Know It
~~ Video iPods Helping Rockies Get into the "Swing" of Things
~~ Willie Nelson Buys Hometown Church
~~ Researchers Say New Chip Breaks Speed Record
~~ 33 Innings, 882 Pitches and One Crazy Game
~~ Minor League Manager Throws Major Tantrum
~~ A Gift Between Friends
~~ Queen Elizabeth Spent More Taxpayer Money on Travel, Security
~~ Archaeologists Unveil Newest Pharaonic Tomb in Egypt's Valley of the Kings
~~ Paradise Bought in Los Angeles
~~ 10 Days That Changed History
~~ Newfound Island Graveyard May Yield Clues to Dodo Life of Long Ago
~~ Reappraising a Landmark Bridge, and the Visionary Behind It
~~ The Grinch Who Stole Golf
~~ It's My Funeral and I'll Serve Ice Cream if I Want To
***********
Newspulper Headlines:
What Would We Do Without British Polls?: "French Are Rudest, Most Boring People on Earth: British Poll" —Agence France-Presse
Almost as Fun as Watching Paint Dry: "New Englanders Watch Water Recede" —CNN.com
World Ends, Poor Hardest Hit: "Many Poorer New Yorkers Suffered Post-9/11 PTSD" —HealthDayNews
World Ends, Etc., Etc.: "Strikes by Indian Doctors Enter Day 6; Poor Suffer Worst" —Associated Press
We Blame Global Warming: "Ex-Beatle McCartney Blames Media for Marriage Split" —Reuters
Raging Pacifists: "Brawl at Anti-Violence Rally Preceded Shootings" —New Haven (CT) Register
This Just In: "Mexican Migrants Heading North" —Associated Press (Thanks to The Wall Street Journal's James Taranto)
It's Bush's Fault Anyway!: "Climate, Not Humans, Said to Have Killed Off Mammoths" —Reuters
The Religious Right Strikes Again: "Devils on the Verge of Elimination" —CBC Sports Online
All That Pork Is Hard to Digest: "Stevens Complaint Hits CNN's Johns" —Roll Call
That's the Business News, Now for the Weather: "Fed Raises Rates Again, but Clouds Next Move" —The New York Times
Why So Sad, Big Guy?: "Giant Human Smuggling Ring Broken Up" —East Valley Tribune (Mesa, AZ)
Bottom Story of the Day: "Ashlee Simpson Won't Confirm, Deny Getting New Nose" —Associated Press (Thanks to The Wall Street Journal's James Taranto)
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David Letterman: "Top Signs The Government Is Spying On You":
* Post office wall has several photos of you sleeping;
* Your houseplant occasionally sneezes;
* Domino's keeps delivering to unmarked van parked across the street;
* Birthday card from your mom has several words blacked out;
* You get nominated for "Outstanding Lead Performance in an NSA Surveillance Video";
* Your dishwasher functions are "Wash," "Rinse" and "Record";
* Local news only reporting things that happen in your living room;
* Every time you say goodbye on the phone, you hear a strange voice say, "Roger that, Chico."
Jay Leno:
* The Pentagon announced that Iraq's border is now 90% under control, which is pretty impressive when you realize that San Diego's border is only 20% under control. ...
* President Bush went to the border in Arizona. White House Spokesman Tony Snow said it was not a photo opportunity. Apparently Bush was just looking for some guys to do some landscaping around the White House. ...
* The Senate voted 63-34 to make English the official language of the United States. They say it's a largely symbolic amendment with no real effect. You know like the congressional ethics bill. ...
* When asked if they approve of the resolution, 75% of the people in Los Angeles said, "Si." ...
* A realtor in Ogden, Utah inspecting a townhouse found 70,000 empty beer cans left behind by the former tenant. I didn't know the Kennedy's had a place in Utah. ...
* Here's a shocking statistic—One in 136 Americans are currently behind bars. A more shocking statistic, one in three Kennedys are currently in a bar. ...
* Pat Robertson said this week that God told him that possibly a tsunami could hit the Pacific Northwest this year. I don't want to be disrespectful, but possibly? Like God's thinking "60/40." Pat, that wasn't God. You fell asleep in front of the Weather Channel.
David Letterman: "Top Surprises in ABC's Bird Flu Movie":
* Thanks to sponsorship deal, flu is cured by delicious taste of Dr. Pepper;
* Humans attacked by pigeons with tire irons;
* 20% of population comes down with less dangerous "bird hiccups";
* Every time someone says, "chicken," all the characters chug a beer;
* Every single person in the world ends up at General Hospital;
* The big villain? Larry Bird;
* Hilarious scene where the guy playing President Bush actually solves the problem;
* Sole survivors Michael Jackson and Rosie O'Donnell are forced to repopulate the earth.
Jay Leno:
* I signed up for a great new calling plan today—that "NSA Friends and Family" plan. For $100 a month, they listen to all my friends and family. ...
* President Bush says this secret plan is strictly targeting terrorists. Forgot terrorists, how about targeting telemarketers? Then we would go along with it. ...
* President Bush is proposing sending 6,000 National Guard troops to bolster patrols along the U.S.-Mexican border. Or as his calling it, "No Juan Left Behind." ...
* In his speech, he outlined a plan to start patrolling the U.S.-Mexican border using members of the National Guard. He said this will give us the most secure border in the world one weekend a month and two full weeks in the summer. ...
* This will replace our old method of border control: the honor system. ...
* With these gas prices, I got smart. I'm driving the new Patrick Kennedy hybrid car. It runs on sleeping pills and when you get on the highway it runs on alcohol. ...
* The president of Iran has written a letter to President Bush. Among other things, the Iranian president attacked Bush's policies, said democracy was a failure, and claimed America is hated all over the world. He ended the letter by calling America the "Great Satan," but other than that it was a nice letter. At least they're talking and I think that's important. ...
* Turns out, [though,] it's a chain letter. Now Bush now has to send to ten other world leaders. Or there's some kind of curse.
Short Cuts:
The Senate voted to make English the national language of the United States. The vote drew protests from several immigrant groups and one governor of California." —Conan O'Brien
++ "Why not use immigration the way sports teams use the draft—to upgrade our roster? We could take our pick of the world's engineers, doctors, scientists, uh... smoking-hot Latin guys who stand around not wearing shirts between workouts. Or, you know, whatever..." —Ann Coulter
++ "Sen. John McCain...angrily denied that the Senate legislation was an 'amnesty.' 'Call it a banana if you want to,' he told his fellow world's greatest deliberators. 'To call the process that we require under this legislation amnesty frankly distorts the debate and it's an unfair interpretation of it.' He has a point... Whether or not, as McCain says, we should call it a singular banana, it's certainly plural bananas." —Mark Steyn
++ "Mexico threatened to sue the U.S. government if the National Guard apprehends any illegal aliens who cross the border. The threat must be feared and respected. Mexico has biological weapons that come right out of the kitchen faucet." —Argus Hamilton
"A nonprofit group, Business for Diplomatic Action (BDA), surveyed people in 130 countries. They found that much of the world perceives Americans to be loud, arrogant, ignorant, rude, boastful and unwilling to listen. Has Teddy Kennedy been globe-trotting again?" —Tom Purcell
"The love may have gone out of the marriage between conservatives and Mr. Bush. But both sides need to work hard to patch things up. If we don't, the divorce court may award Nancy Pelosi one House, and Hillary may be able to grab the other." —Jed Babbin
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OUTSOURCING THE PRESIDENCY
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of July 1, 2006. The move is being made to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 trillion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.
"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain
competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai , India will be assuming the office of President as of July 1, 2006. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Bush was not familiar with the issues either.
Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years."
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands, as well as his goofy smile.
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The Truth
AIN'T' IT THE TRUTH???
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for a year from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever;
the second is a Senior Citizen.
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From the "This Might Not Be True" File:
Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office. "Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".
"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian'?"
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Why we split up
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the make-up so I would think she looked pretty. I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.
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We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper and Groceries are heavier.
And, everything is farther away ....
Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection.-
Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days! Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse! Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial?
HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!
FRIENDS!! All I can do is pass along this warning:
We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's fonts to be smaller than they once were.
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'They Walk Among Us'
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:
"Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. Caution .. They Walk Among Us!
==========
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk Among Us!
==========
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . . . . .
They Walk Among Us!
==========
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!
==========
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . They Walk Among Us!
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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!
==========
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet? " . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!
=========
While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. Yep, They Walk Among Us too.
They walk among us, and REPRODUCE!
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Tool Descriptions
26 tools: what they're for!!!!
Finally - a comprehensive guide...
a.. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
b.. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
c.. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age
d.. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
e.. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
f.. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
g.. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
h.. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
i.. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
j.. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
k.. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
l.. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
m.. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-poop off your boot.
n.. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
o.. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
p.. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
q.. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
r.. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
s.. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
t.. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
u.. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
v.. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.
w.. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
x.. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
y.. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
z.. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
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Facts
Alaska
More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.
Amazon
The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20% the world's oxygen supply. The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States.
Antarctica
Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country. Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert. The average yearly total precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, i.e.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.
Brazil
Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.
Canada
Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village."
Chicago
Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.
Detroit
Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, named so because it was the first paved road anywhere.
Damascus, Syria
Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.
Istanbul, Turkey
Istanbul, Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.
Los Angeles
Los Angeles' full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula --and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.
New York City
The term "The Big Apple" was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930's who used the slang expression "apple" for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time - The Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel.
Ohio
There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, every one is manmade.
Pitcairn Island
The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 sq. miles/4,53 sq. km.
Rome
The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy in 133 B.C. There is a city called Rome on every continent.
Siberia
Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests.
S.M.O.M.
The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta (S.M.O.M.). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts, and as of 2001 has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.
Sahara Desert
In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island. There has been no rainfall there for two million years.
Spain
Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits.'
St. Paul, Minnesota
St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named Pierre "Pig's Eye" Parrant who set up the first business there.
Roads
Chances that a road is unpaved in the U.S.A.: 1%, in Canada: 75%
Texas
The deepest hole ever made in the world is in Texas. It is as deep as 20 empire state buildings but only 3 inches wide.
United States
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
Waterfalls
The water of Angel Falls (the World's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters). They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls.
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Government True-isms
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. ....But then I repeat myself. -Mark Twain
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man ....which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -G Gordon Liddy
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -.James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown Univ
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -Ronald Reagan (1986)
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -P.J. O'Rourke
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -Voltaire (1764)
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. - Pericles (430 B.C.)
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -Mark Twain (1866)
Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -Unknown
The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -Ronald Reagan
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. -Mark Twain
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -Thomas Jefferson
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Back-To-Back...........
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
We always hear "the rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want, Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1 If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1 . If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really ..
1 Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
........AND THEN.............
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
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Boomer Lament........
Black and White TV (Under age 40? You won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."
Depending on the channel you tuned,
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys,
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys,
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train,
Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke,
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night! --
Life looked better in black and white.
I want to go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives.
Good guys always won the fights.
Now nothing is the way it seems,
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too many fights,
I want to go back to black and white.
They trusted, alone in bed, they slept,
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite,
If I could just turn back the clock tonight
To when everybody knew wrong from right.
Life was better in black and white!
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Nostalgia foods: A long history of fun foods
BAKER'S CHOCOLATE -- 225
Although Baker's Chocolate was introduced 225 years ago (in 1780), it took root 15 years earlier when Dr. James Baker, a Harvard-educated doctor, set up shop with John Hannon, an Irish immigrant, in a small, wood-framed chocolate mill along the Neponset River near Boston.
In 1780, Baker became sole owner of the company (after his partner was lost at sea during a trip to the West Indies to purchase cacao beans), consolidated operations and established Baker's Chocolate Company. The first chocolate item produced and sold with the Baker's name was chocolate used to make a sweetened chocolate drink.
In the 1850s, Baker's German's Sweet Chocolate bar was introduced, but it wasn't until a Texas woman's cake recipe using the chocolate was printed in a Dallas paper in 1957 that sales spiked -- and the German Chocolate Cake was born.
With marketing and advertising, Baker's became a household name. Baker's Chocolate became part of the Kraft Foods portfolio of brands when it merged with General Foods in 1989.
Today the company continues to prosper, offering semisweet chocolate squares, bittersweet chocolate baking squares, premium white chocolate baking squares and German's Sweet Chocolate, along with unsweetened baking chocolate squares and Baker's Dipping Chocolate.
For 122 years, La Belle Chocolatiere ("the beautiful chocolate girl"), the trademark image, has adorned packages.
PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY -- 40
The Pillsbury Doughboy made his first appearance in 1965 in a commercial. Rudy Perz, a Chicago copywriter, created the icon when envisioned an image of a doughboy when he popped open a can of refrigerated crescent dinner rolls.
In his commercial debut, the doughboy sprang to life from a can and greeted a bemused homemaker with the words, "Hi, I'm Poppin' Fresh," the Pillsbury Doughboy -- and then "danced" across the counter in partnership with the consumer's fingers. He also served as a kitchen helper, preparing the crescent dinner roll dough, which had been introduced in 1961.
Within three years of his debut, the doughboy had an 87 percent recognition factor among consumers.
The Doughboy is a short, pudgy figure with bright blue eyes, a smiling face, a baker's hat with a Pillsbury logo and a white neckerchief. Advertising Age magazine named the him one of the top-10 advertising icons of the 20th century.
The Doughboy's role has expanded over the years and today is associated with everything from Pillsbury's frozen items (rolls, biscuits, cookie doughs, waffles) to cake, frosting and brownie mixes, quick breads and muffins and flours.
More than 40 licensed products -- including dolls, cookie jars, T-shirts, ties, clocks and jewelry -- now display the Doughboy's image.
PHILADELPHIA CREAM CHEESE -- 125
Philadelphia brand cream cheese dates back to 1880, when a New York dairyman began distributing cream cheese in tin-foil wrappers and named the product Philadelphia. Top-quality food products at the time often originated in or were associated with the Pennsylvania city.
In 1928, the Phenix Cheese Co. (that purchased the business and the Philadelphia trademark in 1903) merged with the Kraft Cheese Company.
The product line now includes whipped cream cheese, flavored whipped cream cheeses (blue cheese, smoked salmon, bacon and horseradish, onion, pimiento and chives), light cream cheese, fat-free cream cheese, Philadelphia Snack Bars and the new Philadelphia Swirls.
HOSTESS TWINKIES -- 75
Twinkies, those golden sponge cakes with creamy filling that bring back childhood memories for many, celebrates its 75th anniversary.
James A. Dewar, Hostess plant manager in Chicago, invented the confection in 1930 as a way to utilize the shortcake pans that sat idle after the strawberry shortcake season and is said to have consumed more than 40,000 Twinkies in his lifetime. The product name was inspired by a St. Louis billboard advertising "Twinkle Toe" shoes. Dewar injected the baked cakes with a smooth creme filling (originally banana flavored but changed to vanilla during World War II due to a banana shortage).
The Twinkie has emerged as a social phenomenon, with a treasure-trove of amazing tales associated with it -- i.e. the Twinkie Defense, Twinkiegate and more. Today, Twinkie the Kid, the classic mascot that began appearing on packaging in the 1970s, is more prominently used in the package design.
In November 2004, Hostess partnered with Warner Bros. to produce green creme-filled Twinkies in conjunction with the DVD release of "Shrek 2."
JELL-O INSTANT PUDDING -- 55
Although Jell-O cooked pudding was introduced in 1936 by General Foods, it wasn't until 1950 that Jell-O instant pudding was introduced to homemakers hungry for convenience foods. The flavors were chocolate, vanilla and butterscotch. Banana, chocolate fudge and white chocolate have over the years. In 1985, Jell-O ready-to-eat refrigerated Pudding Snacks in plastic cups in a variety of flavors added another convenient dimension to the line.
SHAKE 'N' BAKE -- 40
Introduced in chicken and fish varieties in 1965 by General Foods, the coating mix was designed to help consumers turn out crispy golden chicken and fish without frying. There was no batter to mix, no oil to heat, no mess to clean up. The chicken and fish were simply baked -- with no covering or turning required.
In 1969, a coating designed for pork was introduced, followed by a barbecue-style coating mix in 1974 and a hot and spicy Shake ' 1991. Today the package label includes shake-in options such as grated Parmesan cheese, ground ginger and instant minced onion along with sauce choices (spaghetti sauce, sweet and sour sauce or barbecue sauce) and topping possibilities like shredded mozzarella, Cheddar cheese and chopped green onions.
SLURPEE -- 40
Slurpee, 7-Eleven's semi-frozen beverage, made of water, carbon dioxide and flavored syrup and served at 28 degrees F, is celebrating its 40th anniversary. The frozen carbonated beverage was invented in the late 1950s by Omar Knedlik, a Kansas Dairy Queen owner, who came up with the idea of a soft-serve frozen drink (and the machine to make it) and named it Fizz. He changed the name to Icee and hooked up with a Dallas manufacturer to make the machines.
In 1965, 7-Eleven invested in three Icee machines, and by 1967 they were in almost every 7-Eleven store. Also in 1967, the company changed the name to Slurpee, after the sound of the drink coming through the straw.
Since its introduction, more than 6 billion Slurpee drinks have been sold. Popular flavors include Black Cherry, Coca-Cola Classic, Mountain Dew Blue Shock, Blue Raspberry, Crystal Light Raspberry Ice and Mountain Dew LiveWire.
GOLD MEDAL FLOUR -- 125
The flour dates back to 1866, when Cadwallader C. Washburn started his milling business on the banks of the Mississippi River in Minneapolis. In 1880, the Washburn Crosby Co. captured three top prizes (gold, silver and bronze) for its flour at the first Millers' International Exhibition in Cincinnati -- and immediately thereafter changed the name to Gold Medal Flour.
In the early 1900s, packaging changed from cloth, needed for the war, to paper bags. In 1920, Self-Rising and High Protein flours were introduced -- and both are still available today, although the protein flour is now called Better for Bread flour.
Consumers began to request recipes and ask for help with baking problems -- and Betty Crocker was created to act as a liaison with consumers.
In 1923, Gold Medal introduced cake flour, made with soft wheat, that was later (1931) renamed SoftaSilk Cake Flour. In 1928, the Washburn Crosby Co. became General Mills.
Over the years, the flour has been enriched with vitamins and minerals, the company has introduced streamlined methods for making cakes (using one bowl) and announced that sifting was unnecessary. In 1963, the revolutionary Gold Medal Wondra Instantized Flour was introduced for making lump-free sauces and gravies since it dispersed instantly in cold liquids.
In 1972, Unbleached and Whole Wheat flours came along and continue to be available today. In 1984, Gold Medal Whole Wheat Blend Flour, with approximately equal parts of all-purpose and whole wheat flours, was marketed. Today this product is sold under the name of Gold Medal Better for Bread Whole Wheat Blend.
ORIGINAL RECIPE KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN -- 65
It was 65 years ago that Col. Harland Sanders perfected the combination of 11 herbs and spices for his famous "finger lickin' good" original recipe fried chicken at his roadside restaurant in Corbin, Ky. The handwritten recipe, which launched his KFC fast-food dynasty (with more than 13,000 restaurants worldwide), is still a secret and locked up in a safe at the company's Louisville headquarters. Even the chain's top executives aren't privy to the ingredients. For security, one supplier blends part of the recipe while a spice company does the rest. Neither has the complete recipe.
KRAFT GRATED PARMESAN CHEESE -- 60
Introduced in 1945 by Kraft Cheese Co., the product debuted in 1.5- and 3-oz. canisters and a 1.5-oz. pouch. In 1958, "Italian type," grated Parmesan became available in the now familiar 8-oz. containers, and by 1962, the canister had a yellow plastic shaker top for ease in dispensing.
Although it doesn't come close to freshly grated Parmesan available in the refrigerator section of stores today (or grating your own), the canister package label notes that the product contains no fillers --only real Parmesan cheese (and cellulose powder to prevent caking and potassium sorbate to protect flavor) -- and it should be refrigerated after opening.
KRAFT MAYONNAISE -- 75
Kraft Mayonnaise debuted in 1930, followed by Kraft Light reduced-calorie mayonnaise in 1985, and Kraft Free nonfat mayonnaise in 1991. Last year, Kraft began packaging the regular mayonnaise in a plastic wide-mouth jar for ease in spooning out and storing in the refrigerator door.
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The Late Braking News.........
Quips & Quotes
The bubbling brook would lose its song if you removed the rocks.
"Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them."
- HL Mencken
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to believe."
- Laurence J. Peter
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
- A. Whitney Brown
"The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced."
- Frank Zappa
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."
- Mark Twain
"Art is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist does the better."
- Andre Gide
"Humanity is acquiring all the right technology for all the wrong reasons."
- R. Buckminster Fuller
"Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?"
- Kelvin Throop III
***********
HEADLINERS... See the Late Braking News Page For Complete Stories....
~~ Keith Richards Says He's Ready to Tour
~~ Possibly intoxicated pelican runs into windshield
~~ Accident - Prone Pelican Fumbles Take - Off
~~ Cat Burglar Suspect in Garden - Glove Thefts
~~ Hot Dog Eater Wins 6th Straight Contest By
~~ Autopsy: Steve Howe Had Meth in His System at Time of Fatal Crash
~~ McCartney Sang About 64 in '67, and Now It's Here
~~ Mike Hammer Creator Mickey Spillane Dies By
~~ Red, white and blue hot dog eater seeks mustard yellow belt
~~ Death No Obstacle for Chart - Topper Johnny Cash
~~ Maine Lobsterman Pulls Up Rare Lobster
~~ Berlin Love Parade Back After Three - Year Absence
~~ It's an Auction, Jim, but Not as We Know It
~~ Video iPods Helping Rockies Get into the "Swing" of Things
~~ Willie Nelson Buys Hometown Church
~~ Researchers Say New Chip Breaks Speed Record
~~ 33 Innings, 882 Pitches and One Crazy Game
~~ Minor League Manager Throws Major Tantrum
~~ A Gift Between Friends
~~ Queen Elizabeth Spent More Taxpayer Money on Travel, Security
~~ Archaeologists Unveil Newest Pharaonic Tomb in Egypt's Valley of the Kings
~~ Paradise Bought in Los Angeles
~~ 10 Days That Changed History
~~ Newfound Island Graveyard May Yield Clues to Dodo Life of Long Ago
~~ Reappraising a Landmark Bridge, and the Visionary Behind It
~~ The Grinch Who Stole Golf
~~ It's My Funeral and I'll Serve Ice Cream if I Want To
***********
Newspulper Headlines:
What Would We Do Without British Polls?: "French Are Rudest, Most Boring People on Earth: British Poll" —Agence France-Presse
Almost as Fun as Watching Paint Dry: "New Englanders Watch Water Recede" —CNN.com
World Ends, Poor Hardest Hit: "Many Poorer New Yorkers Suffered Post-9/11 PTSD" —HealthDayNews
World Ends, Etc., Etc.: "Strikes by Indian Doctors Enter Day 6; Poor Suffer Worst" —Associated Press
We Blame Global Warming: "Ex-Beatle McCartney Blames Media for Marriage Split" —Reuters
Raging Pacifists: "Brawl at Anti-Violence Rally Preceded Shootings" —New Haven (CT) Register
This Just In: "Mexican Migrants Heading North" —Associated Press (Thanks to The Wall Street Journal's James Taranto)
It's Bush's Fault Anyway!: "Climate, Not Humans, Said to Have Killed Off Mammoths" —Reuters
The Religious Right Strikes Again: "Devils on the Verge of Elimination" —CBC Sports Online
All That Pork Is Hard to Digest: "Stevens Complaint Hits CNN's Johns" —Roll Call
That's the Business News, Now for the Weather: "Fed Raises Rates Again, but Clouds Next Move" —The New York Times
Why So Sad, Big Guy?: "Giant Human Smuggling Ring Broken Up" —East Valley Tribune (Mesa, AZ)
Bottom Story of the Day: "Ashlee Simpson Won't Confirm, Deny Getting New Nose" —Associated Press (Thanks to The Wall Street Journal's James Taranto)
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David Letterman: "Top Signs The Government Is Spying On You":
* Post office wall has several photos of you sleeping;
* Your houseplant occasionally sneezes;
* Domino's keeps delivering to unmarked van parked across the street;
* Birthday card from your mom has several words blacked out;
* You get nominated for "Outstanding Lead Performance in an NSA Surveillance Video";
* Your dishwasher functions are "Wash," "Rinse" and "Record";
* Local news only reporting things that happen in your living room;
* Every time you say goodbye on the phone, you hear a strange voice say, "Roger that, Chico."
Jay Leno:
* The Pentagon announced that Iraq's border is now 90% under control, which is pretty impressive when you realize that San Diego's border is only 20% under control. ...
* President Bush went to the border in Arizona. White House Spokesman Tony Snow said it was not a photo opportunity. Apparently Bush was just looking for some guys to do some landscaping around the White House. ...
* The Senate voted 63-34 to make English the official language of the United States. They say it's a largely symbolic amendment with no real effect. You know like the congressional ethics bill. ...
* When asked if they approve of the resolution, 75% of the people in Los Angeles said, "Si." ...
* A realtor in Ogden, Utah inspecting a townhouse found 70,000 empty beer cans left behind by the former tenant. I didn't know the Kennedy's had a place in Utah. ...
* Here's a shocking statistic—One in 136 Americans are currently behind bars. A more shocking statistic, one in three Kennedys are currently in a bar. ...
* Pat Robertson said this week that God told him that possibly a tsunami could hit the Pacific Northwest this year. I don't want to be disrespectful, but possibly? Like God's thinking "60/40." Pat, that wasn't God. You fell asleep in front of the Weather Channel.
David Letterman: "Top Surprises in ABC's Bird Flu Movie":
* Thanks to sponsorship deal, flu is cured by delicious taste of Dr. Pepper;
* Humans attacked by pigeons with tire irons;
* 20% of population comes down with less dangerous "bird hiccups";
* Every time someone says, "chicken," all the characters chug a beer;
* Every single person in the world ends up at General Hospital;
* The big villain? Larry Bird;
* Hilarious scene where the guy playing President Bush actually solves the problem;
* Sole survivors Michael Jackson and Rosie O'Donnell are forced to repopulate the earth.
Jay Leno:
* I signed up for a great new calling plan today—that "NSA Friends and Family" plan. For $100 a month, they listen to all my friends and family. ...
* President Bush says this secret plan is strictly targeting terrorists. Forgot terrorists, how about targeting telemarketers? Then we would go along with it. ...
* President Bush is proposing sending 6,000 National Guard troops to bolster patrols along the U.S.-Mexican border. Or as his calling it, "No Juan Left Behind." ...
* In his speech, he outlined a plan to start patrolling the U.S.-Mexican border using members of the National Guard. He said this will give us the most secure border in the world one weekend a month and two full weeks in the summer. ...
* This will replace our old method of border control: the honor system. ...
* With these gas prices, I got smart. I'm driving the new Patrick Kennedy hybrid car. It runs on sleeping pills and when you get on the highway it runs on alcohol. ...
* The president of Iran has written a letter to President Bush. Among other things, the Iranian president attacked Bush's policies, said democracy was a failure, and claimed America is hated all over the world. He ended the letter by calling America the "Great Satan," but other than that it was a nice letter. At least they're talking and I think that's important. ...
* Turns out, [though,] it's a chain letter. Now Bush now has to send to ten other world leaders. Or there's some kind of curse.
Short Cuts:
The Senate voted to make English the national language of the United States. The vote drew protests from several immigrant groups and one governor of California." —Conan O'Brien
++ "Why not use immigration the way sports teams use the draft—to upgrade our roster? We could take our pick of the world's engineers, doctors, scientists, uh... smoking-hot Latin guys who stand around not wearing shirts between workouts. Or, you know, whatever..." —Ann Coulter
++ "Sen. John McCain...angrily denied that the Senate legislation was an 'amnesty.' 'Call it a banana if you want to,' he told his fellow world's greatest deliberators. 'To call the process that we require under this legislation amnesty frankly distorts the debate and it's an unfair interpretation of it.' He has a point... Whether or not, as McCain says, we should call it a singular banana, it's certainly plural bananas." —Mark Steyn
++ "Mexico threatened to sue the U.S. government if the National Guard apprehends any illegal aliens who cross the border. The threat must be feared and respected. Mexico has biological weapons that come right out of the kitchen faucet." —Argus Hamilton
"A nonprofit group, Business for Diplomatic Action (BDA), surveyed people in 130 countries. They found that much of the world perceives Americans to be loud, arrogant, ignorant, rude, boastful and unwilling to listen. Has Teddy Kennedy been globe-trotting again?" —Tom Purcell
"The love may have gone out of the marriage between conservatives and Mr. Bush. But both sides need to work hard to patch things up. If we don't, the divorce court may award Nancy Pelosi one House, and Hillary may be able to grab the other." —Jed Babbin
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OUTSOURCING THE PRESIDENCY
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of July 1, 2006. The move is being made to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 trillion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.
"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain
competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai , India will be assuming the office of President as of July 1, 2006. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Bush was not familiar with the issues either.
Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years."
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands, as well as his goofy smile.
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The Truth
AIN'T' IT THE TRUTH???
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for a year from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever;
the second is a Senior Citizen.
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From the "This Might Not Be True" File:
Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office. "Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".
"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian'?"
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Why we split up
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the make-up so I would think she looked pretty. I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.
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We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper and Groceries are heavier.
And, everything is farther away ....
Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection.-
Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days! Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse! Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial?
HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!
FRIENDS!! All I can do is pass along this warning:
We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's fonts to be smaller than they once were.
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'They Walk Among Us'
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:
"Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. Caution .. They Walk Among Us!
==========
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk Among Us!
==========
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . . . . .
They Walk Among Us!
==========
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!
==========
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . They Walk Among Us!
==========
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!
==========
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!
=========
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet? " . . . . . . . They Walk Among Us!
=========
While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. Yep, They Walk Among Us too.
They walk among us, and REPRODUCE!
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Tool Descriptions
26 tools: what they're for!!!!
Finally - a comprehensive guide...
a.. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
b.. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
c.. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age
d.. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
e.. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
f.. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
g.. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
h.. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
i.. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
j.. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
k.. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
l.. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
m.. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-poop off your boot.
n.. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
o.. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
p.. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
q.. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
r.. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
s.. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
t.. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
u.. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
v.. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.
w.. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
x.. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
y.. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
z.. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
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Facts
Alaska
More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.
Amazon
The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20% the world's oxygen supply. The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States.
Antarctica
Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country. Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert. The average yearly total precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, i.e.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.
Brazil
Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.
Canada
Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village."
Chicago
Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.
Detroit
Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, named so because it was the first paved road anywhere.
Damascus, Syria
Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.
Istanbul, Turkey
Istanbul, Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.
Los Angeles
Los Angeles' full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula --and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.
New York City
The term "The Big Apple" was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930's who used the slang expression "apple" for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time - The Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel.
Ohio
There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, every one is manmade.
Pitcairn Island
The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 sq. miles/4,53 sq. km.
Rome
The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy in 133 B.C. There is a city called Rome on every continent.
Siberia
Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests.
S.M.O.M.
The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta (S.M.O.M.). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts, and as of 2001 has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.
Sahara Desert
In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island. There has been no rainfall there for two million years.
Spain
Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits.'
St. Paul, Minnesota
St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named Pierre "Pig's Eye" Parrant who set up the first business there.
Roads
Chances that a road is unpaved in the U.S.A.: 1%, in Canada: 75%
Texas
The deepest hole ever made in the world is in Texas. It is as deep as 20 empire state buildings but only 3 inches wide.
United States
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
Waterfalls
The water of Angel Falls (the World's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters). They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls.
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Government True-isms
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. ....But then I repeat myself. -Mark Twain
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man ....which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -G Gordon Liddy
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -.James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown Univ
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -Ronald Reagan (1986)
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -P.J. O'Rourke
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -Voltaire (1764)
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. - Pericles (430 B.C.)
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -Mark Twain (1866)
Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -Unknown
The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -Ronald Reagan
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. -Mark Twain
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -Thomas Jefferson
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Back-To-Back...........
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
We always hear "the rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want, Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1 If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1 . If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really ..
1 Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
........AND THEN.............
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
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Boomer Lament........
Black and White TV (Under age 40? You won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."
Depending on the channel you tuned,
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys,
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys,
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train,
Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke,
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night! --
Life looked better in black and white.
I want to go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives.
Good guys always won the fights.
Now nothing is the way it seems,
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too many fights,
I want to go back to black and white.
They trusted, alone in bed, they slept,
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite,
If I could just turn back the clock tonight
To when everybody knew wrong from right.
Life was better in black and white!
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Nostalgia foods: A long history of fun foods
BAKER'S CHOCOLATE -- 225
Although Baker's Chocolate was introduced 225 years ago (in 1780), it took root 15 years earlier when Dr. James Baker, a Harvard-educated doctor, set up shop with John Hannon, an Irish immigrant, in a small, wood-framed chocolate mill along the Neponset River near Boston.
In 1780, Baker became sole owner of the company (after his partner was lost at sea during a trip to the West Indies to purchase cacao beans), consolidated operations and established Baker's Chocolate Company. The first chocolate item produced and sold with the Baker's name was chocolate used to make a sweetened chocolate drink.
In the 1850s, Baker's German's Sweet Chocolate bar was introduced, but it wasn't until a Texas woman's cake recipe using the chocolate was printed in a Dallas paper in 1957 that sales spiked -- and the German Chocolate Cake was born.
With marketing and advertising, Baker's became a household name. Baker's Chocolate became part of the Kraft Foods portfolio of brands when it merged with General Foods in 1989.
Today the company continues to prosper, offering semisweet chocolate squares, bittersweet chocolate baking squares, premium white chocolate baking squares and German's Sweet Chocolate, along with unsweetened baking chocolate squares and Baker's Dipping Chocolate.
For 122 years, La Belle Chocolatiere ("the beautiful chocolate girl"), the trademark image, has adorned packages.
PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY -- 40
The Pillsbury Doughboy made his first appearance in 1965 in a commercial. Rudy Perz, a Chicago copywriter, created the icon when envisioned an image of a doughboy when he popped open a can of refrigerated crescent dinner rolls.
In his commercial debut, the doughboy sprang to life from a can and greeted a bemused homemaker with the words, "Hi, I'm Poppin' Fresh," the Pillsbury Doughboy -- and then "danced" across the counter in partnership with the consumer's fingers. He also served as a kitchen helper, preparing the crescent dinner roll dough, which had been introduced in 1961.
Within three years of his debut, the doughboy had an 87 percent recognition factor among consumers.
The Doughboy is a short, pudgy figure with bright blue eyes, a smiling face, a baker's hat with a Pillsbury logo and a white neckerchief. Advertising Age magazine named the him one of the top-10 advertising icons of the 20th century.
The Doughboy's role has expanded over the years and today is associated with everything from Pillsbury's frozen items (rolls, biscuits, cookie doughs, waffles) to cake, frosting and brownie mixes, quick breads and muffins and flours.
More than 40 licensed products -- including dolls, cookie jars, T-shirts, ties, clocks and jewelry -- now display the Doughboy's image.
PHILADELPHIA CREAM CHEESE -- 125
Philadelphia brand cream cheese dates back to 1880, when a New York dairyman began distributing cream cheese in tin-foil wrappers and named the product Philadelphia. Top-quality food products at the time often originated in or were associated with the Pennsylvania city.
In 1928, the Phenix Cheese Co. (that purchased the business and the Philadelphia trademark in 1903) merged with the Kraft Cheese Company.
The product line now includes whipped cream cheese, flavored whipped cream cheeses (blue cheese, smoked salmon, bacon and horseradish, onion, pimiento and chives), light cream cheese, fat-free cream cheese, Philadelphia Snack Bars and the new Philadelphia Swirls.
HOSTESS TWINKIES -- 75
Twinkies, those golden sponge cakes with creamy filling that bring back childhood memories for many, celebrates its 75th anniversary.
James A. Dewar, Hostess plant manager in Chicago, invented the confection in 1930 as a way to utilize the shortcake pans that sat idle after the strawberry shortcake season and is said to have consumed more than 40,000 Twinkies in his lifetime. The product name was inspired by a St. Louis billboard advertising "Twinkle Toe" shoes. Dewar injected the baked cakes with a smooth creme filling (originally banana flavored but changed to vanilla during World War II due to a banana shortage).
The Twinkie has emerged as a social phenomenon, with a treasure-trove of amazing tales associated with it -- i.e. the Twinkie Defense, Twinkiegate and more. Today, Twinkie the Kid, the classic mascot that began appearing on packaging in the 1970s, is more prominently used in the package design.
In November 2004, Hostess partnered with Warner Bros. to produce green creme-filled Twinkies in conjunction with the DVD release of "Shrek 2."
JELL-O INSTANT PUDDING -- 55
Although Jell-O cooked pudding was introduced in 1936 by General Foods, it wasn't until 1950 that Jell-O instant pudding was introduced to homemakers hungry for convenience foods. The flavors were chocolate, vanilla and butterscotch. Banana, chocolate fudge and white chocolate have over the years. In 1985, Jell-O ready-to-eat refrigerated Pudding Snacks in plastic cups in a variety of flavors added another convenient dimension to the line.
SHAKE 'N' BAKE -- 40
Introduced in chicken and fish varieties in 1965 by General Foods, the coating mix was designed to help consumers turn out crispy golden chicken and fish without frying. There was no batter to mix, no oil to heat, no mess to clean up. The chicken and fish were simply baked -- with no covering or turning required.
In 1969, a coating designed for pork was introduced, followed by a barbecue-style coating mix in 1974 and a hot and spicy Shake ' 1991. Today the package label includes shake-in options such as grated Parmesan cheese, ground ginger and instant minced onion along with sauce choices (spaghetti sauce, sweet and sour sauce or barbecue sauce) and topping possibilities like shredded mozzarella, Cheddar cheese and chopped green onions.
SLURPEE -- 40
Slurpee, 7-Eleven's semi-frozen beverage, made of water, carbon dioxide and flavored syrup and served at 28 degrees F, is celebrating its 40th anniversary. The frozen carbonated beverage was invented in the late 1950s by Omar Knedlik, a Kansas Dairy Queen owner, who came up with the idea of a soft-serve frozen drink (and the machine to make it) and named it Fizz. He changed the name to Icee and hooked up with a Dallas manufacturer to make the machines.
In 1965, 7-Eleven invested in three Icee machines, and by 1967 they were in almost every 7-Eleven store. Also in 1967, the company changed the name to Slurpee, after the sound of the drink coming through the straw.
Since its introduction, more than 6 billion Slurpee drinks have been sold. Popular flavors include Black Cherry, Coca-Cola Classic, Mountain Dew Blue Shock, Blue Raspberry, Crystal Light Raspberry Ice and Mountain Dew LiveWire.
GOLD MEDAL FLOUR -- 125
The flour dates back to 1866, when Cadwallader C. Washburn started his milling business on the banks of the Mississippi River in Minneapolis. In 1880, the Washburn Crosby Co. captured three top prizes (gold, silver and bronze) for its flour at the first Millers' International Exhibition in Cincinnati -- and immediately thereafter changed the name to Gold Medal Flour.
In the early 1900s, packaging changed from cloth, needed for the war, to paper bags. In 1920, Self-Rising and High Protein flours were introduced -- and both are still available today, although the protein flour is now called Better for Bread flour.
Consumers began to request recipes and ask for help with baking problems -- and Betty Crocker was created to act as a liaison with consumers.
In 1923, Gold Medal introduced cake flour, made with soft wheat, that was later (1931) renamed SoftaSilk Cake Flour. In 1928, the Washburn Crosby Co. became General Mills.
Over the years, the flour has been enriched with vitamins and minerals, the company has introduced streamlined methods for making cakes (using one bowl) and announced that sifting was unnecessary. In 1963, the revolutionary Gold Medal Wondra Instantized Flour was introduced for making lump-free sauces and gravies since it dispersed instantly in cold liquids.
In 1972, Unbleached and Whole Wheat flours came along and continue to be available today. In 1984, Gold Medal Whole Wheat Blend Flour, with approximately equal parts of all-purpose and whole wheat flours, was marketed. Today this product is sold under the name of Gold Medal Better for Bread Whole Wheat Blend.
ORIGINAL RECIPE KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN -- 65
It was 65 years ago that Col. Harland Sanders perfected the combination of 11 herbs and spices for his famous "finger lickin' good" original recipe fried chicken at his roadside restaurant in Corbin, Ky. The handwritten recipe, which launched his KFC fast-food dynasty (with more than 13,000 restaurants worldwide), is still a secret and locked up in a safe at the company's Louisville headquarters. Even the chain's top executives aren't privy to the ingredients. For security, one supplier blends part of the recipe while a spice company does the rest. Neither has the complete recipe.
KRAFT GRATED PARMESAN CHEESE -- 60
Introduced in 1945 by Kraft Cheese Co., the product debuted in 1.5- and 3-oz. canisters and a 1.5-oz. pouch. In 1958, "Italian type," grated Parmesan became available in the now familiar 8-oz. containers, and by 1962, the canister had a yellow plastic shaker top for ease in dispensing.
Although it doesn't come close to freshly grated Parmesan available in the refrigerator section of stores today (or grating your own), the canister package label notes that the product contains no fillers --only real Parmesan cheese (and cellulose powder to prevent caking and potassium sorbate to protect flavor) -- and it should be refrigerated after opening.
KRAFT MAYONNAISE -- 75
Kraft Mayonnaise debuted in 1930, followed by Kraft Light reduced-calorie mayonnaise in 1985, and Kraft Free nonfat mayonnaise in 1991. Last year, Kraft began packaging the regular mayonnaise in a plastic wide-mouth jar for ease in spooning out and storing in the refrigerator door.
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Posted by: Jacob Marley / 11:57 AM
